Depression
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One Week Of My Life, Sharing Depression + Anxiety Feelings With You.


1:42 PM 

I'm a dear lover of writing diary. It has always been. As a kid, I thought that's what everyone does, so I mainly wrote down every stupid thing that happened to me, from getting my braces to buying some jeans with my mother. I gave up on it, when I realized that my life doesn't include the best and exciting events, but I understood quickly that I could use a journal for so much more than that. 

When my depression started, I continued writing deep and long entries, because I did not know that I was suffering from depression. It clearly helped me to push through, but writing down negative thoughts was more than scary in the beginning. Getting more knowledge and understanding of my condition, I could fastly switch this into a documentation about my healing. How am I doing? What do I feel? What bothers me? 

Today at 30 years old, I am enjoying writing like I never did before. I am having my journal that is filled with positivity, my struggles, creativity, inspiration, tears, and also the beginnings of my love story. My second diary is simply called therapy book, because that's what I decided to start before turning 30. I wrote about it here before. Instead of waiting for my final therapy appointment, I decided to sit down every Sunday and play my own therapy session by writing inside my book and analyzing my feelings. It works great. 

Being on this long journey now of writing, I thought about writing a digital diary which I could share with everyone out there. OFF COLOR is basically my digital diary, but I also noticed that there are pieces on this site missing which I have to share. It's my responsibility. 

You might notice that I seldom write inside my posts that I feel negative today and that I was crying a lot (I might mention it here and then, but it's not obvious to everyone). Of course I don't want to kill everyone's mood, when I start a post with: "Ughhh, I feel like a piece of crap today and I am having the craziest panic attack again, bla bla." You get my point. 
I still get a little mad about me justifying my behavior to the whole world. I am suffering from depression and my mental health is enjoying a crazy rollercoaster ride, but that doesn't mean that I am crying every day. That's the image that the media portrays. Quite the contrary, there are many days where I am super positive, happy, and smiling beyond, because I am an empath and I am soaking up energy of anything. "But you can't be depressive when you are smiling","I never thought you seem to have issues with your mental health, because you are always in such a good mood". Yeah. Welcome to my fake world... I tell everyone around me that I am the best actresss. Many people with depression and mental health issues put on a fake smile to make others feel less uncomfortable. That's my daily, kinda. But as soon as I close my door inside my four walls, I am beneath any energy level, I could cry, I want to scream, I want to hide inside my bed. I'm exhausted. That's a typical life of a depressed person.
 

With today's tiny diary, I want to share a real life of a depressed person. 


I would call myself being on the road to recovery. I feel good today, but this has been a long fight for the last 10 years. I am still studying my moods and my body, and I'm sometimes discovering new patterns as well - I will constantly learn. But there is one thing I know I have to do. 


I want to help everyone who's playing and faking a lot on a daily, hiding your real self, because you are also scared to be judged. I want to open the people's eyes that one should never judge a book by its cover. Deep down inside, people carry a lot of heavy weight and ballast. 

I wrote this diary piece over the holidays, another important matter. We need to acknowledge that during a happy holiday season there are always people on this planet who are not enjoying the season as much as we do. As I do. I can feel sad during the holidays as well... others are scared as soon as the time of the year approaches. 

We need to understand that every human being has a special condition. We are the same, but we are not the same. Huh? Yes, first of all we need to stop stigmatizing everything and judging people just because they are different. And then, we need to understand the difference. Accept the difference and educate ourselves what we can do to give the suffering people the same platform and good vibes everyone else enjoys. A peaceful coexisting. No more shame or guilt. 


Topics like mental health are trending more and more. This is good, but we need to take this trend seriously. Don't make this trend go away soon, make it as a constant life-task that is deeply connected to wellness and well-being. 


We talk so much about diets, fitness, treating ourselves. Why is mental health the black sheep of the wellness family? Doesn't make sense, right?


Let's dig in. 


Monday, December 21st, 2020 


It was a loooong morning, I feel pretty comfortable in my bed today. I have not much to do at home besides cleaning, but I figure that it's best to stay in bed for a little bit longer. A little too long, ugh. 

When finally getting up, I ignore my messy kitchen and write inside my journal while parallel creating things for OFF COLOR. This energy is always there...I just love to create.
In the same exact moment, I realize that I want to create this diary series for you. I love the idea sharing this and I somehow get super excited inside my body... 
Unfortunately, my brain is so confused and a little overwhelmed that it starts to create weird moments which will make this diary more fun to read. No, no. This will be as authentic as it can get. I am not faking moods or creating weird daily structures just to impress you. This shall show the pure me and what I go through these 7 days. No acting... no nothing. Just me. Also, it's Christmas... I will be in a good mood, I guess. Well, currently I am. I love Christmas.
God, my brain is triggered right now. I need to stop writing for a few moments. I get myself something to drink. 

Since we are experiencing a second lockdown here, I will continue working on some ideas and daily business on my computer today. After a panic attack last week and some crys, I also decide to focus a lot on nourishing myself this week, so I am really looking forward to enjoy a home-made chicken soup. Good for body, mind & soul.


My neighbors are really loud again, ughh, the side effects when everybody is home... I need to work with my headphones on to focus at least for a little bit. I'm listening to Will Downing's "A Love Supreme". 

I continued working and blasting my headphones until it was 11:42 PM. I need to go to sleep.


Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020 


I can't believe I woke up at 7:30 AM. Success? I got up, got dressed and decided to hit the Turkish supermarket, before I treat myself with a rich coffee. Again, it's lockdown season and I feel weird going outside. I don't know what it is, but I feel anxious being around people...

I rode my bike, realizing it was so warm, and I couldn't help myself but smile while my chest gathered more and more anxiety. Too bad I thought, it was so nice outside, but I couldn't wait to get back home.

I grabbed mangoes for 39 cents per fruit and I continued working on some digital cleaning up. I set up some grapefruit essential oil and all of a sudden the day was passing. I started working on my self-care without further noticing it or writing a to do list about it.

Another plate of chicken soup and an extra round of chocolate made the day just perfect. I feel pretty okay today. The clock says 12:06 AM. TIME TO SLEEP.


Wednesday, December 23rd, 2020


Going to bed so late is literally the worst. I miss all the morning glory... My Google phone is waking me up at 7 AM (summer time 5/6 AM) every day, but this morning, I made it around 8:30 AM again... I have a short conversation with my sister on the phone while fighting to leave my warm and cosy bed.

I am heading to my kitchen to make breakfast. And a big cup of coffee, watching my bialetti on my stove playing music with the best coffee smell. Again, it's the small things. I continue writing a post for OFF COLOR, finding a bright spot in my apartment which is filled with shadows this morning because of all of the rain. Any bit of light feels like success to me — you might not notice it first, but it matters. 

Later, I can't find the motivation to clean my apartment, but I suddenly find a lot of inspiration to sit down and work on some financial things. Writing down my budgets, planning on some savings, and just trying to organize so that January won't stress me a tiny fuck. I recall my sister's words... I am in control of a little bit, even though the current lockdown is the boss of our daily routines. But I can control my chaos. Emotional, mental, physical, whatever you call it.

And so I start... Finances first.

Let's do this.

I light my Christmas tree to set the perfect mood.


Thursday, December 24th, 2020 


What is actually happening? I really managed to get up before my Google wake up program started! I rushed to my bathroom, took a shower, and treated myself with a hot chocolate with marshmallows. It's Christmas. I went back to bed to watch some old Disney movies from the 60s and then ended up watching an episode of chef Gordon Ramsay's travel diary.

I was happy, inspired, and just zen. I headed to my kitchen and started with my Christmas dinner preparations. In addition to that I turned on my Sonos and just vibed it out.

In a form of self-care, I also decided to dress up and do a full face make-up, just because. I could really tell that it was doing something to my whole mood. Again, I felt good, I felt relaxed and very positive.

Heading to my parents' home, I reached a final level of chill. Great food, old movies, laughter, and such a good atmosphere. It was the perfect evening. I got back home and watched Christmas movies with all of my candles and Christmas lights on. Today I feel a lot of gratitude. Whew. Corona Christmas was different, but also very inspiring and healing.


Friday, December 25th, 2020


I did not hear my alarm this morning. Okay, so much about getting back to waking up early... There was a lot of light in my room, so I knew it was time to finally get up. I'm all dressed up in my new Grinch pajama and I will enjoy a slice of cake for breakfast. To capture the whole theme, I decide to watch the Grinch as well. Reflecting on the last two days and actually this whole week, I feel a deep whew inside of me. I can't really tell about my mood of every day, I can't predict a thing, but I can tell that there are always surprises along the way. Maybe it's because I'm writing a diary this week that makes me put in some extra work or I focus on my feelings a bit harder which makes me gasp for air sometimes.

I am definitely continuing moving slowly and follow my body's signs and needs. I already said it before but this holiday the motto is gratitude, so I am taking out my two journals: one therapy book and my general doodle universe to write down about my feelings and how my mental health is doing right now.

It's the second day of Christmas and I am also leaving the city to see my sister. I'm taking the train and I must admit that this short ride was a pool of anxiety. I haven't been taking train rides lately and a lot has changed... I'm in a new train which is driving me nuts with all of its announcements, melodies playing, plus the usual traffic of people. Ugh, I'm getting hot, but not the sexy hot. I just want to get out of here.

Change of scenery. 

I am happy to be at my sister's place to cook and laugh together. We had a great second Christmas dinner together, but we also needed to keep the clock in mind, since we are having a curfew here. That's why we decided to head to the city for an hour to just walk around, look at the Christmas lights, and really enjoy this spirit. It was pure and so warming for the heart, even though it was crazy cold outside. 


Saturday, December 26th, 2020. 


I never really understood this day. Another day of Christmas celebrations. In Germany we celebrate the 24th and then we have two holidays following up: the first and the second day of Christmas. The second day of Christmas just doesn't make sense to me, because it feels like we are celebrating forever, haha. But, I won't complain. I am taking this seriously and so I check my Christmas to-do list and today I will have my special moment with Kevin and the Home Alone fun. A tradition I really enjoy. 
I'm alone, too, and somehow I can't really decide if I feel blessed and grateful to be healthy and nourished, or if I am very selfishly thinking that I'd love to be somewhere else right now. With someone else. My heart aches a little harder this year... but I will make the best out of it. 

I am actually finding some good minutes to read some poetry and look at some art which shall feed my mind and my imagination. I should really find more time to slow down, sit down, and just study what was going on in the past. I stumble over some poetry from Frank O'Hara. After a little bit, my mind couldn't focus anymore, so I dropped it and dedicated my whole being to the TV. Is it too early to eat all the Christmas chocolate? 

Ughh... I also feel a little disbalanced... so much food, so much sweets and candy, but somehow it makes me happy, haha. Food was always a great comfort of mine. Outch... good that I started this week with the best intentions. Facepalm. 


Sunday, December 27th, 2020


It's my favorite day of the week! I am always getting excited for Sunday to come, because it's the day when I can easily unwind, recharge, and create a lot of self-care moments. I woke up way too early to enjoy my weekly church session and I finished it with writing my weekly therapy book entry. This is when I reflect on my past week, what happened, how I felt, and what I can do to improve my mood. It's like a little workbook meets a personal emotions diary. Sounds like a lot? Well, I am enjoying it beyond, because I really love writing and understanding my body. Somehow, I craved to sleep a bit longer today, but what can I do? I don't want to miss this session, so I gotta get up.... But let me be honest. I want to sleep. I really do. 

It's the first day after the Christmas celebrations and I wonder how it will be to transition back to normal. I should definitely stop eating so much, haha. My mind is stressing me already in the morning hours, so I give myself a break and decide to continue letting my brain breathe with watching more movies. The TV program is repeating itself, so it was finally time to watch Pixar's "Soul". My iPad was ready, and so was I. I'm soooo excited. 

Whew. A lot of crying and good vibes. I kind of needed this movie right here, right now. I mean... this was just beautiful. 

Whew again. 

I ran to my computer to type some words about this movie and while writing it, I was dreaming myself into my kitchen again. Can I just stop thinking about food so much? 

I opened a new file and just wrote my soul out. How matching. Today is just the very perfect day to reflect. The lockdown is still messing a little with me and creating new traditions the last days was also a little overwhelming, but I am making the best out of ot.
I hear my second half reminding me that it's a way of perspective and I am always the one in control of it. I am a maker and I will definitely make the best out of it. 

I feel good about this year finally ending and I am meditating a bit deeper now, focusing to keep this energy really close to me. I guess I need to tell me this every day. Just keep going. 

Ohhh, and I realized that my weekly diary actually ends today. I am afraid to read previous entries... I actually forgot what happened last Monday... short memory, ha. But yeah, I also feel pretty good about writing everything down... showing you the world of a person who struggles with depression or general anxiety.

Wait. Before I continue.... I will re-read it. Sorry... I am a control freak. 


Okay. So. This is me. No script, no rules, just me and my feels. Shall I add something to December 27th? Well, I didn't do a lot this day...I think that's why I fastly skipped and wanted to start a little outro. 


What do I think about sharing my days with you? Well, I wanted to welcome you to my world. Also a world that many out there experience as well! Maybe a family member of mine is even reading this, wondering how I can be so happy and calm, when I feel actually the opposite sometimes. 

Welcome to the world of HSP and disorders, emotional imbalance, and simple feelings. 


I do feel a lot. I feel intense, but I am also a very normal person with hobbies and favorite food (you know me....). I decided to share an episode of my life during the holidays with you, because I was also curious to see how my behavior changes over these days. 
I wrote some words on how to experience the holidays when being sad and there are way too many people out there who still don't believe that sadness during the holidays exist. I wasn't sad per se, but you can tell that there are triggers out there which can put me into any kind of mood, no matter the season, or holiday. 

This is my world. I am working on my mental health for years now and my depression history is already celebrating its 10th birthday. I might look like a happy clown sometimes, but there are plenty of days where I want to stay in bed and be by myself. Crying and anger is something that is still around a lot - I am working on it and this takes time. Even with the Corona Virus being around, conditions are actually getting a bit worse to work them through... it's definitely a challenge. 

But what can we take from this? 
Not much. You just read a little diary. You might have seen that there were days where I did nothing. May it be a lack of motivation or an emotion I needed to work through. There were days where I had issues getting up in the morning and I had a little anxiety or panic attack in the train which was definitely the least thing on my mind. How crazy is this journey... 

7 days sounds like nothing, but to me, a lot happened. It's mid January right now and I shake my head. I should have written this diary two weeks later... this would have been interesting. Isn't it insane what happened the last days? Again, I am in a different state than I was when I wrote my diary. I am not having a panic attack on the train, because right now, I do everything to not even leave the house. I only go out when I need to shop some groceries... I am still figuring this lockdown thing out, but one thing kept being the same. 

My drive. 

I know the new year just started, but the energy that I felt when the year came to an end is still burning in my heart (thanks to "Soul"?). The more actually happens right now outside and inside my TV, the more energy I feel to create and make this world a better place. 


Anxiety doesn't need to be bad. Depression isn't something negative. Again, in my world, it helps me to refocus, recharge, and relearn things. 

I am burning for a lot of things thanks to my mental health. In reward for my inspirations and ideas, I will promise to my body to always keep it a priority and take good care of it. 
I take every day as it comes and I will nourish myself, learn and grow. I can't function without a healthy body and this journey will be a lifelong journey that I am really excited about. 

Let's forget about stigmas that we put on mental health. Don't feel sorry about my mental health issues. Don't feel bad that I struggle in huge crowds and that anxiety is the boss at my home so very often. If this interests you, educate yourself. How can you help? Do you know someone who could use some help or hear some healing words? 


We need to speak very openly about these things. Especially the people who still hide their depression or other sufferings, just to protect others, the uninformed. Ignorance and a non-understanding makes the communication really hard. 

Show more kindness, show love. 
Simply be open-minded. 

I don't allow anyone to speak negatively about mental health and the people who suffer from it. On OFF COLOR, I offer you a lot of posts on this topic, so I hope we can read the things, educate each other, and finally open a discussion that is fueled by love and dedication. No matter what differences we have, we have one thing in common: passion. We want to be the best version of ourselves and with passion and the right drive, we can all bloom in this beautiful world without shaming, guilt, and hate. 


Tolerance is beautiful and I am very grateful that I have this platform to push for it.

Thank you for reading my words and I hope you all feel loved out there.

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Because Of The Current Happenings... Let's Discuss Mental Health In The US


4:37 PM I never thought that 2020 would look like this. Nobody warned us and nobody knew how intense these first months of the year would be. This year, I spent more time inside than outside - for an introvert like me a dream coming true, but with the circumstances around, I feel punished. I didn't cause it and I have no control over it...still I have to change my complete daily routine, my structures, and complete life. I know you feel the same way... 

We are all experiencing a time with chaos, less structures, and a lot of worries. We don't know about tomorrow and we have to deal with things we might have never dealt with before. 

Loosing a job, loosing family members due to the virus, having less money to take care of oneself and our loved ones, mental issues appearing, loneliness, isolation, and so much more. 

How shall we cope with this situation? Are we actually ready for happenings like this? I think no one was really thinking that this pandemic would turn our world so heavily upside-down. There is definitely no plan or guidelines to prepare fully without stress and worries. We experience this pandemic all on different levels... and this makes preparation impossible. 

My lockdown experience was very fun in the beginning. As I already mentioned, I'm an introvert and I don't need to spend outside all day, but after 3 months, I can feel my body reacting and changing. I promised myself to take care of me as much as I can and to always prioritize my mental health, no matter what is going on. Did this work? I am not sure. I am feeling okay today, but to be honest... the last weeks were the most terrible weeks of my life and I am super happy to move on step by step and get back to "my normal". I need a routine, I need structures, and I need certain things that make me vibrate higher. 

My mental roller coaster was unnecessary and I am really fed up that it happened, but I need to accept this and move on. I got the tools and the equipment to work on my mental health and I will come out stronger out of this! But what do people do who suffer from the same things and don't know how to deal with this? 

Even worse. What's happening with the people who experience mental health issues for the very first time because of the Corona Virus? Experiencing these health issues can scare someone and without knowledge, understanding, or the right amount of empathy, it's hard to move forward in a second. 

Sadly, there are many people out there who don't believe in the current mental issues that so many people have to go through. 

Even worse #2. In addition to the virus, we are witnessing police brutality and racial injustice (especially in the US) which is the cherry on top that might cut your vibes and only bring dark clouds to your daily. 

All the protesting, fighting, speaking up - this is something that has been going on for many years, decades, and it's finally being brought to a wider crowd! Finally! 

We white people cheer and applaud, but we don't know or understand how much pain must have been felt to reach this day today.
All shades of brown and people with different ethnical backgrounds must face racism every day. Their mental health has been tested forever. 

Just go through your history book. There was a lot of stuff happening on this planet and it is no secret that trauma is inhabited in our DNA. Even if things happened in the past and they seem so far away to us, then this doesn't mean that our black and brown loved ones feel the same as we do.

The trauma and stress they carry matters a lot and it's important to work on this: yesterday!!! Unfortunately, this is the first border, because the access to treatment looks different and with language differences, less money, or no health insurance at all, it's not an easy disease to treat. 

Do you still believe that our crises are not affecting the world? Different ethnicities and different social status? Let's educate ourselves today to understand one thing: mental health problems are real and we need to acknowledge this and turn this into a great movement of action, healing, and recovery. 

Fact is nearly 1 in 5 American adults will have a diagnosable mental health condition in any given year. 46 percent of Americans will meet the criteria for a diagnosable mental health condition sometime in their life, and half of those people will develop conditions by the age of 14.

Okay, but let's dig in deeper and focus on something that the media and so many other sources like to ignore. 
According to a Surgeon General report, Black Americans are over-represented in populations that are particularly at risk for mental illness. Adult Black/African Americans are 20% more likely to report serious psychological distress than adult whites. Black/African Americans living below poverty are three times more likely to report serious psychological distress than those living above poverty. Adult Black/African Americans are more likely to have feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness than are adult whites. Depression robs people of the enjoyment found in daily life and can even lead to suicide. Unfortunately, depression has often been misdiagnosed in the Black community. Black/African Americans of all ages are more likely to be victims of serious violent crimes making them more likely to meet the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Black/African Americans today are over-represented in jails and prisons. People of color account for 60% of the prison population. Black/African Americans also account for 37% of drug arrests, but only 14% of regular drug users. Stigma and judgment prevent Black/African Americans from seeking treatment for their mental illnesses. Research indicates that Black/African Americans believe that mild depression or anxiety would be considered “crazy” in their social circles. Furthermore, many believe that discussions about mental illness would not be appropriate even among family. 


Native Americans experience serious psychological distress 1.5 times more than the general population. They experience PTSD more than twice as often as the general population. Although overall suicide rates are similar to those of whites, there are significant differences among certain age groups. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among 10-34 year olds; whereas, the suicide rate among Native Americans that are more than 75 years old is only one-third of the general population. 
Native Americans use and abuse alcohol and other drugs at younger ages, and at higher rates, than all other ethnic groups. Access to mental health services is severely limited by the rural, isolated location of many Native American communities. Additionally, access is limited because most clinics and hospitals of the Indian Health Service are located on reservations, yet the majority of Native Americans no longer reside on reservations. Compared to whites, three times as many Native Americans lack health insurance – 33% compared to 11%. Approximately 57% of Native Americans rely on the Indian Health Service for care. 


Research suggests that LGBT individuals face health disparities linked to societal stigma, discrimination, and denial of their civil and human rights. Discrimination against LGBT persons has been associated with high rates of psychiatric disorders, substance abuse, and suicide. Personal, family, and social acceptance of sexual orientation and gender identity affects the mental health and personal safety of LGBT individuals. 
More than 1 in 5 LGBT individuals reported withholding information about their sexual practices from their doctor or another health care professional. Nearly 30 percent of transgender individuals reported postponing or avoiding medical care when they were sick or injured, due to discrimination and disrespect. Over 30 percent delayed or did not try to get preventive care. Approximately 8 percent of LGB individuals and nearly 27 percent of transgender individuals report being denied needed health care outright.
As compared to people that identify as straight, LGBT individuals are 3 times more likely to experience a mental health condition. LGBT youth are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide, experience suicidal thoughts, and engage in self-harm, as compared to youths that are straight. 38-65% of transgender individuals experience suicidal ideation. 
An estimated 20-30% of LGBT individuals abuse substances, compared to about 9% of the general population. 25% of LGBT individuals abuse alcohol, compared to 5-10% of the general population. 
2.5 times more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and substance misuse. 


For the Latinx/Hispanic community, mental health and mental illness are often stigmatized topics resulting in prolonged suffering in silence. This silence compounds the range of experiences that may lead to mental health conditions including immigration, acculturation, trauma, and generational conflicts. Additionally, the Latinx/Hispanic community faces unique institutional and systemic barriers that may impede access to mental health services, resulting in reduced help-seeking behaviors.
According to SAMHSA’s National Survey on Drug Use and Health, overall mental health issues are on the rise for Latinx/Hispanic people between the ages of 12-49. 
Serious mental illness (SMI) rose from 4 percent to 6.4 percent in Latinx/Hispanic people ages 18-25, and from 2.2 percent to 3.9 percent in the 26-49 age range between 2008 and 2018.
Major depressive episodes increased from 12.6 percent-15.1 percent in Latinx/Hispanic youth ages 12-17, 8 percent to 12 percent in young adults 18-25, and 4.5 percent to 6 percent in the 26-49 age range between 2015 and 2018.
Suicidal thoughts, plans, and attempts are also rising among Latinx/Hispanic young adults. While still lower than the overall U.S. population aged 18-25, 8.6 percent (650,000) of Latinx/Hispanic 18-25 year-olds had serious thoughts of suicide in 2018.
Binge drinking, smoking (cigarettes and marijuana), illicit drug use, and prescription pain reliever misuse are more frequent among Latinx/Hispanic adults with mental illnesses.

So how do you feel reading this? 
Did you know all of these facts? 
Have you ever wondered what other people have to go through? 
I know for people with privilege, this seems to be shocking, but to be honest, this is nothing new! As already mentioned, these are facts which have been carried along for a very long time and with current happenings they get a fresh catalyst and more wounds are created. 

People are suffering and help is needed. There is no more time to procrastinate and ignore the issues which shouldn't be stigmatized anymore. We don't have time for stigmas! 
We have to communicate openly about it. 
No shame.
No fear. 

People worry about the money this all would cost and that the health insurance (if they have one) is not covering treatmeants like this. 
Dear health insurance companies: please change that! 
Dear teachers, offer more space and time for the kids to learn about this and speak openly about their issues! It would have changed a lot for me if my school listened to me or gave me a chance to heal and recover with the help of my teachers... 

We missed so many chances to fix this. 
Now is the time. 


If you are looking for more info and knowledge, or you are seeking help, check this out! 

Mental Health America (where I got all the info from above from!)
Nami - National Alliance on Mental Health
SAMHSA - Substance Abuse And Mental Health Services Administration 
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#TuesdayTalk: Let's Talk Summer Depression. My Story.


3:12 PM 

I wasn’t sure if I should go online with this topic. I didn’t know if I should keep this to myself. I was scared writing about this. It’s not about my image. I just don’t know how strangers react to that. 

Should I care? 
Should you care? 

Well, another question is if this is the right place to share it? 
I guess so. 

I talked about mental conditions a lot here and in case you are around often, you might know that I have had a lot of roller coaster rides with my anxieties and mental issues. I feel weird speaking about topics like this nowadays, because I feel like talking about depression, mental illness, and burn outs feels like a trend. 

Everyone is stressed out – life is too much for us and our lifestyles are fucked up. I know it’s easy to say “I’m exhausted” or “I feel sad”, but one should take care how those topics are approached.


I personally feel offended when someone talks about being depressed af, pretending to be a loner and a nobody, when I see you living the opposite. This is not a joke. There are people out there with a very serious condition and no one cares about them. They are alone – super alone… those are the ones who take their own life away, because life is really too much for them. 

With my 27 years, I still don’t know what I shall call myself. I have been through a lot, and I actually thought I am over with those silly fights with my demons. I felt like I was cured. There was a time where I loved being sad and alone. I turned my status quo to an obsession. My friends belonged to my past and I realized I was an outcast. I wasn’t respected for who I was, I was only seen as a threat (don’t ask me for what). I cried every day. Those people hurt me like crazy. I didn’t know that human beings could be so cruel. 

My family couldn’t help me much. My mom said times will get better… it’s just a phase. My sister was there and tried to help me the best she could. Since this negative cloud won’t pass away like that, I tried to change my aura… my only way out was to like the negative vibes. I soaked it all in. I deleted my self-esteem (if there was any…), I quit talking much, I spent most of my time alone in my room, and I listened to the most depressive music. I liked this. I created my own world where sadness was the right way to be the happiest. This went on for a little bit. 

Meanwhile I graduated from high school and finally went to university. I still went through ups and downs. I took new beginnings as a challenge to restart and let the people get to know the coolest person on this planet, but I couldn’t stand this image long. It was hard for me to be someone I am not. Maybe I was a popular cat a while ago…I’m actually a clown and I love to sing and dance around… but I felt it’s not appropriate to be like this now. I feel more comfortable in my sad wonderland where nothing and no one could disappoint me. 

University also proved that people are fucked up. I tried to make friends. I failed. I had more teacher friends than friends in my age. I was happy when I left university. I couldn’t go on. In between it happened that I suddenly met someone who was an alien, just like me. We were so much alike, but also beyond different. What matters is that he always believed in me and I never understood why he spent so many hours to talk to me and make me smile. He gave me positivity and vibes I still can’t describe until today. 

I thought about suicide a lot. I felt that the idea was really inviting to just let go. I wondered what’s out there. Is this all? I studied philosophy day and night. I read all the books out there which explained about mankind, human nature, behavior, values, and evolution. Hmm… interesting, that’s it. I couldn’t learn much from it. I still felt the same. 
Sometimes I was even more frustrated, because I was so disappointed about human beings. How can we descend from masterminds like Einstein, Goethe, or Newton? The issues we create nowadays are stupid and so unimportant to even mention and giving them their moment to shine. I felt ashamed to be a human being who doesn’t know what’s my purpose on this planet – being a trashcan for my thoughts which no one values. I was a nobody. Not in his world.
Then there was my alien again. My savior. He helped me seeing light. Maybe that was my kind of rebirth – seeing the light, ending my old life, to start all over. Thanks for saving me – I told you this a lot, A. ~ 

From that moment on, my journey didn’t stop, but I kind of fell back into normal habits and I felt a sense of living life like a normal person again! 6 years later – which dates this year… I feel like I am out of this dark cloud. I shifted my focus and my dearest person still helps me daily to feel love only and nothing else. Love helped me. So much. I still had to relearn some things. I was ready to let happiness into my life again and I was excited to be a normal human being. 

Do I regret this journey of mine? 
No. 

Without this I would have never realized who I am. I am more than just water, blood, cells, and muscles. With this weird journey, I learned that I am an empath. I am a HSP and I have social anxieties which led me to depression. I would never wish this to anyone, because kids should be kids. Unfortunately, this happens way too often nowadays. While I was in this dark world, I hated, and I loved it. Today, I have no relationship to it, but I acknowledge the fact that I finally understood who I was. I can deal much better with my being today and I know what triggers or bothers me. I study my moods, my vibes, my feelings, and my dreams – I know what to do. Human beings still annoy me here and then, but I know how to deal with it. Am I healed? I wouldn’t call it “being healed” – I would call it “I’m on my way”. 

Let’s skip forward. I needed this intro to make you understand this. 
June ’18. I celebrate summer. You might saw my posts about me loving the warmer months and spreading love for the oceans through running. Yes, my running comeback finally happened, and my heart felt happy again. You saw my Instagram Stories… all I am doing the last weeks is spreading good vibes – motivating you! Summer brought so many cool things along and I felt zen af. I was doing perfect to be honest. I actually started loving summer… damn, I must be in the best mood I could ask for. My vibes were cool the last weeks as well… I couldn’t complain. 

Then Anthony Bourdain died. Suicide. I wrote some personal words also on the blog, because I felt like I needed to talk about this. A hero of mine died. I didn’t know how to react and I couldn’t really believe it. I reread the words I wrote about him. I couldn’t believe that I wrote a piece about Anthony who is dead. Fuck. 
I talked about this with my sister. I told her how sad I was. Why did Anthony do this? I loved how strong he was or pretended to be…. His “I don’t give a fuck attitude” is something I copied 100% and I enjoyed it. How can this happen though? I shared a couple of tears.
I guess, I can’t change it, but ugh, this hit me. Again. I started to feel a bit weird. 
I went on. I watched a couple of shows with him in them to be in a good spirit, but the more I watched, the angrier I got. I keep this dude close to my heart, but I can’t explain how his death hit me… 

I started to think about death again. I never really thought about death… As a kid, I had a phase were I was scared to go to sleep, because I thought I might not wake up again… Death seemed so sick, it was freaking me out. I didn’t want to grow up, because I knew I had to die one day, too. Then, it was gone again. I didn’t care about death. I learned about religion and still didn’t give a shit about dying or rebirth or whatever.

My grandma passed. 
Death was around again. This broke my heart. With my grandma’s death, I swore that I will never ever ever think about death again. It started to scare me. I was pretty successful with ignoring this angst of mine. I mean who likes talking about that? With Anthony’s passing, some thoughts bubbled up and were asking for final answers. Shit, I can’t answer death questions… leave me alone. Some other morning I woke up and saw pictures of a murdered rapper and massive fan crowds on Instagram. Oh boy. Do I attract death right now or what’s going on? 

The same day, my sister showed me a horrible video of this same person who was actually filmed while being shot and lifeless inside the car. I’m talking about the death of Florida musician XXXtentacion. What the fuck is going on? I didn’t know this kid, but seeing this was making my stomach hurt.
No matter who that is… no one deserves a death like this. And the exposure? Have some respect for his mom and family members… those bastards are insane. 
Now my whole Instagram feed was full of XXX videos and horrible death pictures. It haunted me from my first breaths in the morning until I got sleepy in my bed in the evening. This went on for two more days until I started to do my research. XXX messed with my head. I am honest…I don’t follow all those new hip hop trends, even though I am a die-hard hip hop fan. I knew him from pictures, but I wasn’t familiar with his music. I started listening to a couple of songs and the funniest thing happened: I found a song I heard on IG a long while ago, but the person didn’t mention from whom this song was. Now I know that this song is a XXX song. Fuck. I love that one. 

I listened to some more and all of a sudden I found myself surrounded in a sad cloud listening to ANYthing he did. I watched interviews, I checked his YouTube channel, and I continued seeing Instagram posts which were randomly updated day by day. A week passed and somehow XXX was a huge part of my day. I felt sad. How weird that I could built or create such a deep connection “even though I was a little bit too late”. The only music I wanted to listen to was his. I wanted to cherish this being by listening to his music and share the good things he did. I don’t want to dig deeper into this, you might like him or not – fact is, this second death of a very influential and inspiring figure hit me hard, too. 

Man. I’m an empath and I tend to be emotional about anything that happens around me. 


My neighbor’s cat can die and I feel a certain sadness. I create connections which throw me off and mess with my whole being, just because something in my body is reacting to moods and vibes. I can’t control it. In this case I was an empath who heavily responded to death. I thought about death 24/7 again. I felt a deep sadness inside of me. Not even running could make me push away this blues. 

I began to worry. 
How is this going? I am 27. Am I moving backwards? Is my sadness coming back because of this? I mean…what? I couldn’t help myself. I was happy to go to work and distract myself… I also created a lot and wrote my blog posts…but afterwards I felt sad. 

Hey, it’s summer. I should go out more, swim, eat tons of ice cream, and just jump around. No thank you. After my running challenge was over, I was happy to be off from running. I didn’t want to move. I want to eat. 

I want to feel pain and I want to deal with it somehow. I know I can. Ja, sometimes, I need to feel sad to appreciate the good times, but I still couldn’t explain this situation. I feel like there’s no spark and no joy. What can I do? 


I kept on living from day to day and I wished summer to be over now. Man. I never experienced this. After my last run I finished with Kool and The Gang’s “Winter Sadness” – is there also a summer sadness? I don’t want to focus on the d-word (depression), but I never felt such an uncontrollable sadness during the hot period of the year. Is that healthy? Is that something others experience, too? 

Today is July 24th. XXX’s death is now a month old and I still feel attached to this topic. I cried a lot. It touched me beyond and it made something with me. He doesn’t want his people to be sad, so me, as a new connector, I don’t want to spread too many bad vibes and just focus on his positive light. How do I feel today? I think this week is the first week I feel better. Yeah. 
When I realized that one month passed, I got really angry with myself. Why am I wasting so much time for this? Maybe I was too busy identifying this situation and wanting to know what was going on with me that I just needed to hold on to this… 

I started meditation again. Not a 10 minute break… I did this 1-2 hours a day! I felt that meditation is the only thing that keeps me sane right in this moment. 


After two of my sessions were done, I woke up the next morning and my body automatically told me to be happy. Something happened in my sessions and I don’t know what it is. Fact is, I feel okay. I’m good. I kind of pushed the dark clouds away and accepted the status quo. Again. 

I understand that everyone is dealing differently with loss, sadness, or topics which scare them… but what I realized during meditation was how important it is to shine bright light out onto the world. Inspire and spread good vibes. Spread messages… and especially spread love. We can’t change things, but we can work on ourselves to be good human beings with lots of empathy. Empathy gets us going. 
I feel hard – always have. 


I was sad for four weeks now. An unbelievable summer drama that I never thought I would experience.


It felt unnecessary, but maybe it made me realize what matters to me the most. Realtity check. 

I don’t know. It was hard for me sometimes to be on Instagram and share positive messages when I am actually the one who needs a motivational speech or a hug the most. 


I didn’t mention it in my posts and I pretended to be just like you – a summer loving bird. Just because I didn’t want to make you feel bad – or worry. 
Today, I know I needed to share this. I want to make clear that this is something personal I don’t share a lot here, but I knew that I have to share this… I felt empowered to share my weird way of being. I don’t want to inspire you to be like me. I want to give you light when you find yourself in the same situation. 
Know that you are never alone. There are people who care, even if you feel like everyone gave up on you. Never give up on yourself. 

My mom was right maybe… time will pass. Use this period of time in your life to study yourself, learn about your patterns, read books, start getting active, or find piece in meditation! I shared some great meditation apps this week – check these out. 

Unfortunately, there is no recipe on how to heal right… fact is that your body does all the work, even if you don’t notice! We are all able to heal.


If you are interested in learning about HSP or empath people, read along here. Knowing all this made fighting my depression so much easier. It’s light that can finally save us ~ 

Since I will always be an empath, but I am growing up as well (I need to make better decisions here and then), I decided that for this summer (which is left) I will leave Instagram and some other social media for 2 weeks… maybe a bit longer. I know how much it influences me when it comes to my mood and vibes, but I want to enjoy summer and be a happy kid! 
I just dismissed my clouds… now I want to smile big and jump around. It’s hard for me to be off, since this is my job – but my health is a bit more important than this. 


Join me. Feel free to respond to this. 
Feel hugged and loved with this. 
Thanks for listening! 


Happy summer ~
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#TuesdayTalk: Escaping Seasons ~


3:05 PM

My last Tuesday Talk has been a while - it was about time to talk things again. Writing is something I really love, so I take this chapter here to speak from my heart and maybe inspire you with a little motivation or ideas.

Each year, I seem to have the same battle that so many people share: the winter blues. To be honest, I can't really tell you what it is and where it comes from... like all of a sudden, everyone is depressed and grumpy. Winter is the toughest challenge for so many people out there...
I am one of these people - you could be one, too? 

As soon as winter starts, I am beyond happy - birthday time, Christmas, all the good candy and food. But as soon as the new year starts and January surprises us with the real coldness, snow storms, and chaos, I feel like I'm getting lost. 
After a little while, I am getting frustrated of layering my outfits - I don't want to feel like a puff pastry, but duuhhh, I'm freezing like hell. 


I am annoyed of the darkness...when I come home from work, it's dark, I can't go running anymore and all I want to do is hide in my bed and drink tons of hot tea. 


We all reach a point where we long for warmer days, more light, and good vibes, just because. 
That's why my sister and I decided to break the rules and escape from our cold winter - we booked our first trip to South Africa. Yes, yes, yes, finally escaping the cold and heading to a country which enjoys the warmest summer days! 

In my mind, this was a really sexy idea, but I couldn't really imagine how it is to jump back and forth from cold to heat. Will my body struggle? Is this maybe too much for me? What happens when I return to winter land? 

Now before our flight started, I checked the weather app - how hot it will really be when we arrive. It said 23°C and I was pretty satisfied...
In Germany it was about 7°C and we were struggling with rain and storms - no matter what, the weather will be so much better in Africa. I celebrated. 


While I travelled in winter gear to Africa, I felt like an idiot, but soon I was surprised what 23°C really means in African language. In Cape Town there is only hot air...and plenty of sun, hot sun. 23°C is like 36°C - a super hot summer day where the shadows are not helping you much to escape the heat. Do you know this feeling? 

I sat in the cab, in my winter coat, while the driver was dressed as if he's going to the beach....my back was fully wet, sweating and overwhelmed. My whole body was overwhelmed, but deep inside I was still cheering and celebrating. I am in Africa - no winter, no sadness. 

In my hotel room, I unpacked my suitcase - only shorts, dresses and things which scream summer. I took a walk around the block to get to know the area where I was staying while I felt the asphalt burning beneath me. I can't believe that I was walking down this street. Finally, after planning this trip for so long. I am really in Africa. I was feeling bad for everyone else spending cold days stuck in snow or other weather chaos (I am semi-honest here, haha).

The same day, when the sun was heading to dream land, I stood in front of my window, dressed in shorts and a sports bra only (it was too hot), I watched the sun going down and the sky changing its colors. I forgot how pretty a sunrise was and I realized how much I missed seeing so much light. The sky was clear and I felt so happy to experience this moment. 
I was so happy to see my first South African sunrise that I actually just wanted to cry. Sun and light is so wonderful and important. 

I had no chance to be grumpy or depressed - my body screamed for dancing all my happy feelings out and just enjoy the moment! 

Thank you Mother Nature for this so special moment. 

The next 11 days, I soaked summer in as much as I could. Eating all the fruits, wearing all the short things, getting a super nice sunburn, eating ice cream, and enjoy a refreshing iced coffee - yes, I was living. My soul was happy and my heart was smiling beyond. 

My first two days back at home, I realized how much this trip was. 
The first day actually, I was happy to be back home in winter land. I got used to summer and I felt wrong enjoying this so much while I should actually suffer during the cold months...
Then, when I spent time outside, I got grumpy again...it's freaking cold and I still have a sunburn. At work, my coworkers said I look like I used self-tanning lotion, because my tan is intense ~ (jealousy...haha).
Wow, my mood is really back to normal winter-ish feelings. From good vibes to low-low vibes....
No more fruits and ice cream - I just want a hot coffee or tea and I need my gloves now - icey winter is finally here. Nawww....

After one week at home, where I already got back into my work rhythm and my mood was doing whatever it wanted, I realized that it's up to me to feel good or bad. 
Fact is, I just experienced the craziest trip of my life. I escaped winter to have two weeks of good vibes. I learned a lot about my body and also myself...

I read some things that I wrote down in Cape Town and I talked about my experience with my sister who knows what I'm talking about since she was with me. We both agreed that it was the best decision we could make.


Escaping winter or a season you don't like is so nice. I understand now why German old people go to Thailand during winter to enjoy a warm Christmas or new year...it nourishes your whole body. 


I didn't only come back with a sexy tan, but I also nourished my soul, my brain, and my heart. I let my skin breathe, I moved my body in the heat, I enjoyed the warmest sun rays, and I smiled beyond. There was not one second where I got mad or felt depressed. I was happy about anything and no one could kill my mood. I still remember this feeling and I am happy I can recall those moments whenever I feel low now. 

Today is the first day where the sun is shining again - this day reminds me so much of my time in Africa and I am smiling again. 


January, you are weird. I love you and I hate you at the same time. I think in the future I will continue escaping for a little bit, but I am also ready to kick in your butt and show you that you don't win with your greyness and negative vibes. 


Meditating the last days has brought me back to a better mindset. Yes, I am back in the cold, but I can close my eyes and think about Cape Town. I will never forget this trip. 

How about you? Have you ever escaped a season? Or do you survive in your cold city during winter? 
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