OFF COLOR STUDIO.

Self-care involves a lot and yesterday I shared a short story on the power of words, to me, a beautiful way to start healing. Books are a great way to escape the daily and enter a dream world where everything seems to be so much better, I was hungry to read book after book. 

My addiction to books got real when I studied about philosophy and started learning the deeper aspects of life. My friends weren't into that and I didn't know many people in my circle who could suggest me good reading material, since philosophy is somehow covered with a weird stigma of being crazy, hard to understand, and a little too old for today's modern times. Maybe that's what intrigued me. 

I got lost in the world of Nietzsche, I fell in love with Plato, and I was more than ready to study human beings, life, and the beautiful art of words. Metaphors, allegories, whatever comes my way. 

Until today, my home library is filled with beautiful books dealing with lots of philosophy, art, and a little visit to psychology through Carl Gustav Jung and others. Those books simply make me happy, but I also have to admit that some of them gave me a hard reality check and with this some days of thinking and disappointment. 

I feel inspired by ancient times. I studied history. I always want to learn. 

Learning about human beings and why we are how we are has always played a big part in my life. I don't only want to learn about my surroundings, but myself. What can I do to be better? What can I do to not waste my life? How much potential does every human being actually hide inside themselves? 

As already mentioned, reading so much about the good old days or romanticly described human nature, this can also put a big dark cloud above your head. Some people forget what they have read after 4 weeks, I kept every word close to my heart which made me sad very often. I read about flaws, mistakes, or just bad actions which I took very personal as an empath. I breathed it all in and I wanted to change the whole planet. Someone needs to do something....oh boy, crazy Sagittarius girl wants to save everyone. 

Then, all of a sudden, I find myself in my darkest years. I'm still reading a lot of philosophy, this time also a bit of psychology, because I try to understand my brain patterns. I try to understand my depression, and I want to learn how to deal with so much sadness. How can I be happy? How can I live my best life? Blah, blah. Those books are a good addition to every library, but I would not rely on those only. 

I gather so many books which deal with: fuck it, be happy, eat ice cream, dance, and just be. Okay, good, but when a person goes through depression and he or she can' even get out of bed in the morning, how in the world is this fuck it attitude even possible? It didn't help me a lot, to be honest. I absorbed the words, but I couldn't practice them during my daily. 

Instead, I was gathering tons of art books. My favorite artists, architecture, stories about colors, design - another great thing that lets my heart explode. Forgetting about human beings and what makes us so weird, just thinking about beautiful creations and all of the light.

I truly believe in art therapy and that's why I also released "You Are What You Feel" - my little workbook for young and old, dealing with mental health and art therapy. 
It's my comfort zone, my escaping, my sun, and my heart. It helped me a lot. 

Through the years, I always added new mental health books to my collection, though. I got pickier with the topics, since I learned more and more what I needed and what was not good for me. Reading about anxiety, for example, didn't make me feel so bad than reading about depression and trauma. 

I think it was last year, when I finally got the really perfect books that deal with mental health and my road to recovery. The books of Dr. David Burns helped me immensely to find the right attributes that help me have a sense of normality back and with my self-therapy which includes a lot of writing, I realized that I needed less books dealing with this topic. I was happy, I was proud. I got my staple of self-helpers of which I know I can turn to whenever I feel a certain way, being decorated with plenty of colorful post-its and notes inside which I wrote after finishing each book. 

When quarantine hit us, I was curious to read a little more about PTSD, since I also want to cover all kinds of mental health aspects on OFF COLOR to help not only people who suffer from anxiety or depression. I found a really great book which was such a good start and I couldn't even put my marker away! I learned a lot about trauma and mental health, but after reading half of the book, I was suddenly feeling worse after each chapter I finished. I actually closed the book and did not finish it. I am not planning to finish it, because I am not ready for the words. Self-care.

I reached a point where I am happy-ish and I experience a quiet normal daily. When I reach a low point, I totally know what to do, where to turn to, and how to soothe myself. Is it always working? Well, more or less - it really depends on what's going on, but still, I am doing well. I am just living life, just like you! I might feel it a bit harder, but as mentioned so many times here, I'm learning to love and appreciate feeling so deeply. 

Continuing with a book which would bring me to a state of desperation, sadness, anger, plus lots of confusion is not healthy and I don't allow my body to deal with this right now. 

Maybe I will finish the book someday, but not now. I got mad at myself for a second. Why do I get this book when I am actually doing pretty good right now? I don't need to torture myself further, I got the map to success and that's it. 

It's time to learn boundries, it's time to say no, and focus on yourself, your health. 
That's why I will not get a mental health book this year. You might laugh about this or wonder why I write so many words about it, but we should all be aware of the power of words. Some feel them harder, others don't even understand them. Out there are many empaths and also many people who soak up words and rhetorics which lead them to storm a Capitol. 

Brainwashing, manipulating, guessing... words are not always a positive influence. I learned that and I appreciate that lesson. 

There won't be a book about self-esteem, self-care, self-love, self-whatever. No books on mental health, energies, the brain, and how to live a healthy life. Nothing. This year, I am down for my arts and poetry again. Soaking up the beauty, the romantic metaphors that simply make me smile. 

Give me all the design books, maybe some biographies, interior things, art, art, art, oh, and we shouldn't forget cookbooks which bring a great zen to my life. 

What are your currently reading? 

I hope with today's words I can help you understand that choosing books or listening to speeches is something that does something with our brain. More or less. Choose a great influence and if you happen to notice that this influence is not good for you, then be kind to yourself and cut the chords. Do it for you and your mental health - you deserve it. 

3:37 PM 

They say action speaks louder than words. Some people live by this statement and I don't dismiss it, but if you ask me, I always choose the word over action. Not because I don't believe in the effort and meaning behind any kind of action, but sometimes it's the words that leaves a very important impression. It's the only thing that we keep for years after it already happened in the past. 

History could only be saved through the written speech. Putting words to paper changed a lot and this magic is still not dead, eventhough we are moving more and more into the digital being. 

I have always loved books and I have always loved the power of words, I guess that's a big reason I chose to write. Connecting with you through a creative way of expressing myself - sometimes with plenty of art, sometimes in a river of words. It depends on my mood. 

Because words are powerful.

The poet's performance was one of the highlights of President Biden's inauguration this Wednesday and since I want to push creative artists and the beauty of words, I want to share her poem "The Hill We Climb" again with you. 

Whenever we are seeking beauty, a warm hug, and a feeling of liberation, we can turn to her words to feel better again. Healing together. Thank you, Amanda for this. 

When day comes, we ask ourselves where can we find light in this never ending shade? The loss we carry, a sea we must wade. We braved the belly of the beast.

We've learned that quiet isn't always peace and the norms and notions of what just is, isn't always justice. And yet the dawn is hours before we knew it, somehow we do it, somehow we’ve weathered and witnessed a nation that isn't broken but simply unfinished.

We, the successors of a country and a time, where a skinny black girl descended from slaves and raised by a single mother can dream of becoming president, only to find herself reciting for one.

And yes, we are far from polished, far from pristine, but that doesn't mean we are striving to form a union that is perfect. We are striving to forge our union with purpose, to compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters, and conditions of man. And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us but what stands before us. We close the divide because we know to put our future first. We must first put our differences aside.

We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another We seek harm to none and harmony for all. Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true, that even as we grieved, we grew. That even as we hurt, we hoped.

That even as we tired, we tried. That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious, not because we will never again know defeat, but because we will never again sow division.

Scripture tells us to envision that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree, and no one shall make them afraid.

If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won't lighten the blade but in all the bridges we've made, that is the promise to glade, the hill we climb if only we dare, it's because being American is more than a pride we inherit. It's the past we stepped into and how we repair it.

We've seen a force that would shatter our nation rather than share it, would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy.

And this effort very nearly succeeded. But while democracy can be periodically delayed, it can never be permanently defeated. In this truth, in this faith, we trust. For while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us.

This is the era of just redemption. We feared -- at its deception. We did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour, but within it we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves.

So, while once we asked, “how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?”, now we assert, “how could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?” We will not march back to what was, but move to what shall be, a country that is bruised but whole, benevolent but bold, fierce and free. We will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation.

Because we know our inaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation. Our blunders become their burdens. But one thing is certain. If we merge mercy with might and might with right, then love becomes our legacy and change, our children's birth right.

So let us leave behind a country better than one we were left with, every breath from my bronze pounded chest, we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one. We will rise through the gold-limbed hills in the west, we will rise from the windswept northeast where our forefathers first realized revolution. We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the Midwestern states.

We will rise from the sun-baked South. We will rebuild, reconcile, and recover, in every known nook of our nation, in every corner called our country, our people diverse and beautiful, will emerge battered and beautiful.

When day comes, we step out of the shade, aflame and unafraid.

The new dawn blooms as we free it for there is always light if only we're brave enough to see it, if only we're brave enough to be it.

Amanda Gorman - "The Hill We Climb"

Picture via.

11:02 AM 

What an amazing day/night, whew, I still try to find the right words to type down here. This is a moment of history and I definitely wanted to write all of my feelings down. Sometimes I've missed moments like this to capture on paper or digitally here on OFF COLOR, but not day, because it really really matters. Period. 

Thinking that this is only the third week of this new year and that every week so far brought one "highlight" after the other, I can deeply feel a deep exhaling not only from myself, but the whole world. I don't want to talk about Trump too much here, but I really must admit that seeing him leaving the White House yesterday, was one of the greatest things I didn't expect. Patient and a little tensed, I watched the news, exhaling really deeply when his airplane lift off. There he was. He's finally gone. 

I guess everybody knew that this day would be amazing and everyone was ready for a new government, not only the American people. 

And with this, a long TV marathon started. Again, I was ready for a lot, but it seems like I really underestimated this. Even my mom called me earlier to wish me the happiest day and to enjoy this. The last time my mother did such an ecstatic call was when Pharrell's last album came out... She knows.

Since I like to celebrate big days and special happenings, I was up early and baked myself a tiny snacking cake which I unfortunately burned, which actually never happens to me. I couldn't eat it anymore, so I had to throw the whole piece away. Shit, so what else can I do? I had some ingredients home, waiting for me to mix a little mocktail (I wanted to test some non-alcohol drinks for #dryJanary). Unfortunately, I lost the recipe and was forced to do my own thing. Okay, okay. Calm down, slow down, it will all be okay. 

I watched CNN while cleaning the apartment and preparing my lunch dinner situation. Funnily, I decided to make a homemade chicken soup today, something healing and warm - the perfect thing that I need right now. The last time I had a comforting soup was during the election chaos. My body is really sweet, caring about me so much that I automatically, without thinking, created the perfect wellness moment for today to stay calm and grounded, just like in November. 

There was a lot of work for me waiting on my laptop, but I decided that I would stay disconnected from work today. Just me and my cellphone, laying on the couch, watching TV. I must admit that being on Twitter all day gave me the warmest feeling of community and hugs. I need to add here that this feeling yesterday is something I have never felt before. Twitter is known to be a community of great people and no matter the situation, there are always a handful of people lifting you up, feeding you with jokes, or just some inspiring words.
But yesterday was something else. The moment of relief was a very intense and as I mentioned in the beginning, one could tell that all of the hearts were feeling a bit softer again. Trump's departure was celebrated with all of our heartbeats and with the arrival of the new government, we let our emotions run wild - mostly postive vibes, as far as I could tell. What an amazing digital party, spread across the world. Everyone joined.

Covid was forgotten for a second, not in a disrespectful way, but after a year, it was time to turn the brain off, let anxiety and fear leave our bodies, and just let our bodies be free without tensions for a day. It has been a lot. Too much, maybe. 

Whew. 
I was on my sofa, drinking my wonderful mixture that somehow turned out amazingly delicious and I caught myself being the nerd I was. In my hand I had my notebook, taking notes and gathering thoughts on history, politics, and the human being. A little philosophy moments interferred and I was smiling like it was my birthday. 
I studied history. Something no one ever told me was a good thing to do. People laugh or ask if I was a teacher. Nevermind, these are the moments now where I enjoy my nerdy being. Today's happening will be added to our history books and I am glad I am witnessing this. 

I feel proud. I feel happy. I feel relieved. I feel reborn.
A lot of emotions are cooking inside of me. I am super tense, even though, I am relaxing beyond... this chaos leads me to many crying scenarios, but I take it, because I'm an empath and I love to feel. 

President Biden was demonstrating it already. Tears are okay, tears are good. He's never ashamed to show his emotions and feelings, ahhh, I just love him. 
And there is so much more to love. Kamala, Madam Vice President. Another historic moment that I will mention 200 times in my diary. What a beautiful time to be alive. 

Just as intense as these past three weeks were, I felt like yesterday was the peak of the iceberg. It was insane and after each hour that passed, I was getting more nervous, a good nervous. It was good that my soup was waiting for me on my stove, so I could absorb some tranquility. I was checking in with Twitter, sharing my thoughts and feelings tweet after tweet and I kept on carrying my smiling face. 

I put my nerd hat by side and promised to enjoy this big celebration just like everyone else, but when the Obamas and Clintons hit the scene, it was over for me. 

Maybe it was also Bernie Sanders' low-key show stopper moment, but I just found myself in tears. Tears, because I was thinking back to the last years... maybe thinking back to how it all started and where we come from. I'm not old, but I have seen a lot on this planet - politics have always been crazy, and seeing these faces together, joining to make a statement of unity and peace just makes me weak. 
Images appeared in my head, moments were relived for a second - man, it all wasn't that long ago. 
It's great to see where we are, but I also realize that this is just the beginning. Actually, nothing is great. 

We seem to fall back, we seem to stand too still, there's a lot happening and finding light in this chaos is the master challenge that has to be solved. 

It's a crazy task, but seeing all of the people and the swearing-in ceremony motivates me to go to work and do more than I am doing right now (I know, no pressure, but you get my point). 

I let the day pass and I continued watching. My fingers are tingling, I'm smiling, I'm happy, I'm crying. I wonder what Madam Vice President thinks. I wonder what President Biden is thinking. His face was beyond happy, even though the mask covered a lot of it. But we could see his eyes, we could see him cheering Kamala when she was sworn in. One could see the love he shares with his wife Dr. Jill Biden, another moment that made me cry. 

This is the president of love. President Biden reminds me of everything simple that is so special and important: love and integrity. A lot of honesty, too, and maybe a hint of freedom. The final chapter to freedom. Without love, integrity, and honesty, we won't get there. 

I fell asleep before the concert and fireworks started, but I woke up today with a happier and pure heart. Did this really happen yesterday? I remember that everyone was saying: it's a new day today and I was like duhhh, obviously. 

When heading to my kitchen, I found the leftovers of yesterday, my glass with the finished drink and some passion fruit seeds gathered at the bottom plus a big ray of sunshine kissing my dinner table. So much light and so much warmth. 
Wow, it really is a new day. 

Whoever wants to create a special drink or treat which does not need a bit of alcohol, mix this: 

1/3 Cup Sprite + 2/3 Cups apple juice + 1 Cup ginger ale + 1 passionfruit 

Dear #dryJanuary ~ 

9:27 AM 

New York, New York. I miss you, I dream about you, and I cherish you every day, even though I am so far away from you. I might be feeling even harder for you, because I am so far away. It's been too long... 

But today is not a day to feel sad about our distance, today is the perfect day to write a little love letter, or let's say a conciliation letter. Because I was a little mean, maybe not so loving towards this special place. I'm talking about Penn Station. We share a weird and complicated history. 

I think there is no other place that frustrates and excites me at the same time, ha. 

Every time I get out of the Amtrak, I am beyond excited to be back in the Big Apple and I can feel my body and especially legs speeding up, because I want to get out there. As I am taking a deep breath, I realize that my heartbeat races highly, too, damn, Penn Station is such a hectic place... so many people, so many noises, and everything feels so oppressive. Where do I walk? I need to get out of here as fast as I can, whew. Yeah, Penn Station is a huge stress facotor. 

But as soon as I find my usual route, grab a donut at Dunkin, and find myself on the escalator, I am smiling again, exhaling with all the anxiety that I can let go for a second. 

As soon as I reach Downtown NYC, I feel an even bigger relief. Whew. Midtown is sometimes too much for me. 

And here I am right now, dreaming myself back to the city, thinking what I would do to just be able to go back to Penn Station to feel all those feels. As an empath, a trip to Penn Station might be a rollercoaster with too much stress, but I know that deep down I also enjoy it a little bit. 

It's the charme, it's the vibrant energy, and as I mentioned, it's the special moment before you can finally connect and kiss NYC's asphalts. 

When watching Governor Cuomo's briefings, I was surprised when he introduced us the new Moynihan Train Hall (I might have missed the big project? haha). The confusion went by super fast when looking at the images of this great train hall! Wow, what a great success and super modernization of this weird and so special place. Is this a way to make taking the train in NYC a more popular and less frustraing thing? Well, seems like it. Even if not taking the train, I believe the great design of this train hall with the interaction of simple design, modernity, arts, and plenty of light, will make the people smile more when being around. 

If you are new to NYC, it's located between Eighth Avenue, Ninth Avenue, 31st Street, and 33rd Street in Midtown Manhattan. You can reach 17 of the 21 tracks and again, you don't even need to go there only for short distance travelling. 

Have your lunchbreak there, study NYC and its citizens, and just soak up all the energy. 

Penn Station is an experience everyone has to see with his or her own eyes and I know that this new train hall will bring so much difference to the experience! 

NYC, I will be there as fast as I can and I cannot wait to see Penn Station with more light, sexiness, and fresh designs. It's going to be a new chapter between you and me.
Also, I want to emphasize that with today's post, I realize that no matter what situation keeps us apart right now, thinking of NYC - even if it's just" this train hall opening, is a great place that has to be celebrated. Every day. It's time for me to emphasize my love for this place more on OFF COLOR! No travelling right now? Well, we can connect on so many other ways ~ This great addition to NYC's history and urban life should be celebrated right now with everyone who's just as much in love with NYC as I am. Let's not forget about our favorite places around the world... this project was finished in times of Covid - what a great inspiration to always hustle and push through...no matter what. 

For more pictures and info, make sure to follow along here. 

*And cheers to vintage photography and a little throwback to Penn Station back in the days. I just love NYC via.