7:14 PM When I was at my lowest point, totally frustrated with no more ideas what to do and how to get my healthy life back, I firstly started thinking about going to a therapist. 

Back then, I was a teenager (or at least adulting), going to a therapist was seen as something negative.

I saw it as a chance to heal and simply discuss my thoughts with someone who's not a family member - it was intriguing to me. 
I discussed it with my mom and she simply laughed about it. She didn't understand my condition (I don't blame her). 
After a little research, I  dismissed the thought of therapy totally, because I didn't want my partens to spend all their money, but I actually was more scared about people knowing about it. 
Will I be treated differently? What are the people from my school thinking? Gossip is being spread so freaking fast... I knew I wasn't safe. 

I kept going by myself and just tried to survive every day. 
The one person who conquered my heart asked me, too, one day, why I don't see a therapist - it would be the easiest for me. 
I refused and shook my head. No, no, no. Therapy is not my thing. 

I am 29 years old now. My lowest point of my depression is totally in the past and I am healing wonderfully (still experiencing a lot of ups and downs though (that's life)). I am so proud of my journey and sometimes I cannot believe how I got here. 
I was frustrated. 
I cried a lot. 
But I survived.
I'm not healthy today, but as I love to call it, I am on my road to recovery.
Healing brought my joy of life back. 

It took me forever, but here I am. 
With 29 years, I am starting to look back a bit. 
I am turning 30 in December. 10 and even more years of anxiety, depression, and mood swings. What can I do to heal fully in my 30s?

I want to celebrate this important number with a cleanse and therefore I want to cleanse my body, mind, and soul throughout the year. I woke up shortly after my birthday in December and said to myself that it's time to see a therapist. 
The thought sounded sexy to me. 

I was at work and used my break to browse through the internet to see what kind of offer is out there. I got nervous for a moment, wrote down all the numbers, and decided to go outside and take a walk...
I felt insecure all of a sudden, so I just wanted to get out and think about what I was actually doing. 

At the end of my walk, I grabbed my cellphone and decided to call the first therapist. I was shaking, but I knew that somehow I was doing the right thing. 

Unfortunately, nobody answered. 
I tried it with the other numbers and also no one answered. 

I went back to the office and wrote emails to everyone I just called. 
One therapist said I should call again - she didn't pick up the phone when I called her again and I got a bit tired of this back and forth...
The other therapists took forever to answer. 

As I waited for them to apply, I was getting anxious again.
Was it the right thing?
Why am I doing this now?
Isn't it kinda too late? 

No, I said to myself that I want to work on my negative roots and maybe all I need to fully heal is to talk to someone who's an expert. I mean my experiences and healing practices go over testing and just doing whatever I feel like doing. Maybe I needed the right insight from an educated person I don't know. 

If not now, when shall I do it then?
I felt ready. 

After a week, I finally got an answer. None of the therapists I contacted offered me an immediate oppointment. No one cared really about my concerns or problems that I wrote in the very intimate mail. All of them told me to call back in a couple of weeks or I shall make an appointment with the earliest happening in April. 
I was laughing.
Seriously? 
I want help.
Now. 
What are those "therapists" doing when a person writes about suicide? Does this person also need to wait forever? 

I felt bad. 
I was disappointed. 

It's January, I want to start my cleanse now and don't wait on a therapist who's actually not interested in me and my problems. 

Yeah, my ego was kinda hurt...maybe I am too stubborn as well. But no, I decided that this is a sign and I not depending on a therapist.
I didn't say good-bye to the whole therapy thing, I might not find the right approach here in Germany... 

For now I have to say that I am not looking back and I absolutely don't regret my committment to therapy. I am happy that I am so mature about not having any problems anymore to accept that help is great. Help is nothing bad. 
It's not urgent to go and see a therapist... I just wanted to prevent past happenings and just start a super fresh chapter. 
Do I really need a therapist for this? I'm not sure. 
I went on Amazon and got myself two beautiful books - I think they changed my life and perspective. WOW!
Let me tell you about this more soon! 


*Share your experience! Have you seen a therapist or are you thinking about it? 
Please share anything you can share - tips, ideas, inspiration, and even fears! 
I listen and send you hugs! 

1:10 PM Mental health is a great thing!

Being super anxious, going through a depression, and enjoying the weirdest mood swings, I learned on my way to recovery how important it is to constantly work on my mental health.
No matter how great I feel today, the next day can look totally different. I am happy today, but tomorrow I can suffer from a very bad anxiety attack. 

What will I do then?
Is every attack or bad moment easy to cure and if so do I always approach it the same way?
Or how about a special equipment? Shall I keep something close to me to be always ready no matter what happens?
Questions over questions.

Over the time I tried different things and added them to my "healing or leave it" list. This can be something simple like burning a candle or reading a certain passage in a book which helps me to refocus and find strength.

After a certain time, I collected so many things which matter that I decided to create a special sacred and holy place at my home.

In my bedroom, I decided to create a tiny space which perfectly fits into this already quiet place.
My bedroom consists of a walk in closet and a huge plants corner next to my bed which calms me down and uplifts my spirits whenever I feel low.
In between you find a little night desk — my mental health temple.

I decided to not overload this tiny temple, but I make sure to have all the important stuff around. It's very simple: gather all the equipment that uplifts you or helps you to calm down during whatever attack hitting you. Keep it as close as possible to always be prepared (this is a huge relief already). 
In my case this is: a huge amount of candles, a plant that is soothing for my eye, palo santo and bay leaves which I can burn to remove negative energy, my anxiety and mental health books which I got at the bottom of the table, essential oils and sleep products. 

Let me get into detail for some things I mentioned. Currently, I love to have books by David Burns close to me, because I feel like his therapy ideas are wonderful, so easy, and super healing! (Check out this book here). For essential oils I am always switching things up, but I try to have orange, lavender, pine, and eucalyptus close! Also I am very into smell therapy (does this word even exist?) - but when I experience sleep issues or I don't feel comfortable before going to bed, I love to pamper myself with lotions, sprays, or other things that create the perfect mood. I am not relying on medicine here... my mental health temple supports my senses and sets the right vibe. Check out this collection of products which makes my going to bed ritual so much sexier. 

So far I can say that creating this special and holy corner makes my daily so much easier.
I get actually excited to go to bed earlier and read some words in my favorite books, light a candle, and just smell my favorite lotion on my wrist. 

No matter what time of the day, no matter the situation - I'm prepared and I am so happy to be able to help myself healing with this method. 

Create a mental health corner for yourself, too. You won't regret it! 
Even if you don't struggle with mental health, this kind of luxury treat is something anyone should add to the house! 
Let's heal together!


5:27 PM It's the peak time of winter - it is really getting cold and the days seem so short and dark. We are missing light and some days are rather spent inside than outside. I guess that's normal and nothing to feel bad about. I believe everyone of us recognizes a certain mood change/ swift during the darker months and no one really knows why this is happening, or what is actually going on. 

Having too many experiences with depression and anxiety, I never focused much on my winter depression or sadness - I accepted it as a whole and not a special depression type. There were winters were I had a heavy seasonal depression and other times, I didn't really notice much... I thought it's normal to feel a bit low and sad during the colder months - it all made sense to me. 

Until I experienced my first seasonal depression during summer time. How can this happen? There's so much light, warmth, and so much to do - there's no way to feel depressed during that season.
But it happened. 
To me. 
I was not able to enjoy summer. I felt sad, I felt empty and I cried every day. I couldn't change a thing. I had no idea how and when this would end and I was not looking forward to fall and winter following up, giving me even more anxiety and bad days. 
This event really confused me. Is this normal? 

I started my research. 

Why the fuck can't we just enjoy winter time like summer time? I mean Christmas happens in between this season and it's the time to be jolly and smiling! Good food, great company, and so many great memories to create. But we can develop some serious issues during the darker months...Christmas isn't helping much here. 

Fact is that there is a term for this "happening" and this is nothing to feel ashamed of. Actually it is not as bad as we think it is. 
We are dealing with "Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)" here. It's a mood disorder that happens especially during winter time, when people experience depressive symptoms like not having energy to do anything, craving for carbs which leads to overeating and weight gain, sleeping too much, and withdrawal from social interaction. 

SAD was formally described and named in 1984 by Norman E. Rosenthal at the National Institute of Mental Health, where he theorized that the reduction in available natural light during winter was the cause.

Seasonal mood variations are believed to be related to light! 

"The reduced level of sunlight in the fall and winter months may affect an individual’s serotonin, a neurotransmitter that affects mood. Lower levels of serotonin have been shown to be linked to depression. Brain scans have shown that people who had seasonal depression in the winter had higher levels of a serotonin transporter protein that removed serotonin than in individuals who did not have seasonal depression. Melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain, has been linked to seasonal depression. This hormone, which can affect sleep patterns and mood, is produced at increased levels in the dark. Therefore, when the days are shorter and darker, the production of this hormone increases. Melatonin can also affect an individual's circadian rhythm, or "biological clock", resulting in ‘internal clocks’ being out of sync with ‘external clocks’, or the usual sleep/wake rhythms."

Knowing about the cause or what is actually happening with us, what can we do to feel better then? 
One very successful method is light therapy. In light therapy, natural light is replicated with light boxes to mimic sunlight. Light therapy can be particularly helpful in regulating the release of melatonin, which increases when the sun goes down. When undergoing light therapy, you will spend a prescribed amount of time looking at the light box each day. 
Another idea would be exercise: Research consistently shows a strong exercise-mental health connection, particularly for those with depression and anxiety. That's why experts often refer to exercise as nature's antidepressant. Exercise can increase serotonin and endorphins, which both affect mood. Moderate exercise of at least 30 minutes most days of the week may provide the biggest mood boost.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is also a good idea to fight winter depression! Cognitive-behavioral therapy can actually be a more effective long-term treatment for SAD than light therapy. While more research is needed in this area, cognitive-behavioral therapy is clinically proven to be extremely beneficial for all types of depression.
Finding a perfect solution to work on this "problem" can take a little bit, but it's important to embrace a healthy lifestyle while combatting mood swings. Maintaining a regular schedule during the winter months can help keep your hormones in balance and regulate your mood — whether you suffer with the winter blues or SAD. This means setting a fixed sleep schedule to normalize your rhythm, structure your eating patterns and eat a balanced diet, connect with the ones you love, and take a lot of time for yourself to work on your well-being and do things that bring you joy,

Learning about SAD can be really life-changing!
I bet many of us go through the dark months each year, being confused why our bodies react so weird. And then comes a time, where we just accept it... This will pass some time...
I get that, but I want us to understand that there is a way out.


Life is too short to suffer like that during winter! I know that depression can take a lot from your life quality and I want us to see a light, even though it's dark as fuck outside.

I learned a lot about SAD and I appreciate this mood now even more than before. Winter time invites me to celebrate a massive spa and wellness festival. It's about keeping the body and mind healthy and react to the changes which happen with Mother Nature. It's the circle of life.
We don't accept the winter blues - we do something about it.

And this can be anything!
Light therapy or an entry into your diary. I sometimes buy myself the fanciest flowers during winter time which makes me feel like I enjoy spring time and then I take inspiration from the color and the smell! It's wonderful! 
Two years ago, I even went to South Africa during winter time to soak extra light and have a little escape from any kind of mood swing that would come my way.
I can definitely agree that the missing light is fucking heavy with my system! But I am learning to create routines and certain rituals which help me boost my mood and make me feel like this is the best time of the year.

And I'm not saying that I am healed yet. I'm not sure if SAD ever leaves...
I still experience days during December, where I cry and feel like I can't stop. I want to be alone and then I eat the weirdest stuff to feel "happy" again. I just can't control it fully.
But I'm willing to learn and test myself.

I don't know how you feel about SAD or if you are even affected.

If you feel very low and depressed during this colder season, I hope some of those tips here help you to understand yourself and how much we are connected to Mother Earth.

It's nothing to be ashamed of and nothing terrible to freak out about!
Take this as a chance to reconnect, get to know yourself, and give your body some extra love to make the best out of the dark days.
Yes, spring is almost here, too. Light will be back soon and winter sunshine also exists here and then - enjoy it when it's here.

Take every day as it is and don't put too much pressure on yourself.
You can do it!
Step by step!

If you have more questions about this topic, feel free to contact me and we can exchange!
*I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but I share my own experience here and I want you to see that there are actually so many people out there who suffer from the same things.
WE ARE NEVER ALONE!

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