1:42 PM 

I'm a dear lover of writing diary. It has always been. As a kid, I thought that's what everyone does, so I mainly wrote down every stupid thing that happened to me, from getting my braces to buying some jeans with my mother. I gave up on it, when I realized that my life doesn't include the best and exciting events, but I understood quickly that I could use a journal for so much more than that. 

When my depression started, I continued writing deep and long entries, because I did not know that I was suffering from depression. It clearly helped me to push through, but writing down negative thoughts was more than scary in the beginning. Getting more knowledge and understanding of my condition, I could fastly switch this into a documentation about my healing. How am I doing? What do I feel? What bothers me? 

Today at 30 years old, I am enjoying writing like I never did before. I am having my journal that is filled with positivity, my struggles, creativity, inspiration, tears, and also the beginnings of my love story. My second diary is simply called therapy book, because that's what I decided to start before turning 30. I wrote about it here before. Instead of waiting for my final therapy appointment, I decided to sit down every Sunday and play my own therapy session by writing inside my book and analyzing my feelings. It works great. 

Being on this long journey now of writing, I thought about writing a digital diary which I could share with everyone out there. OFF COLOR is basically my digital diary, but I also noticed that there are pieces on this site missing which I have to share. It's my responsibility. 

You might notice that I seldom write inside my posts that I feel negative today and that I was crying a lot (I might mention it here and then, but it's not obvious to everyone). Of course I don't want to kill everyone's mood, when I start a post with: "Ughhh, I feel like a piece of crap today and I am having the craziest panic attack again, bla bla." You get my point. 
I still get a little mad about me justifying my behavior to the whole world. I am suffering from depression and my mental health is enjoying a crazy rollercoaster ride, but that doesn't mean that I am crying every day. That's the image that the media portrays. Quite the contrary, there are many days where I am super positive, happy, and smiling beyond, because I am an empath and I am soaking up energy of anything. "But you can't be depressive when you are smiling","I never thought you seem to have issues with your mental health, because you are always in such a good mood". Yeah. Welcome to my fake world... I tell everyone around me that I am the best actresss. Many people with depression and mental health issues put on a fake smile to make others feel less uncomfortable. That's my daily, kinda. But as soon as I close my door inside my four walls, I am beneath any energy level, I could cry, I want to scream, I want to hide inside my bed. I'm exhausted. That's a typical life of a depressed person.

With today's tiny diary, I want to share a real life of a depressed person. 

I would call myself being on the road to recovery. I feel good today, but this has been a long fight for the last 10 years. I am still studying my moods and my body, and I'm sometimes discovering new patterns as well - I will constantly learn. But there is one thing I know I have to do. 

I want to help everyone who's playing and faking a lot on a daily, hiding your real self, because you are also scared to be judged. I want to open the people's eyes that one should never judge a book by its cover. Deep down inside, people carry a lot of heavy weight and ballast. 

I wrote this diary piece over the holidays, another important matter. We need to acknowledge that during a happy holiday season there are always people on this planet who are not enjoying the season as much as we do. As I do. I can feel sad during the holidays as well... others are scared as soon as the time of the year approaches. 

We need to understand that every human being has a special condition. We are the same, but we are not the same. Huh? Yes, first of all we need to stop stigmatizing everything and judging people just because they are different. And then, we need to understand the difference. Accept the difference and educate ourselves what we can do to give the suffering people the same platform and good vibes everyone else enjoys. A peaceful coexisting. No more shame or guilt. 

Topics like mental health are trending more and more. This is good, but we need to take this trend seriously. Don't make this trend go away soon, make it as a constant life-task that is deeply connected to wellness and well-being. 

We talk so much about diets, fitness, treating ourselves. Why is mental health the black sheep of the wellness family? Doesn't make sense, right?

Let's dig in. 

Monday, December 21st, 2020 

It was a loooong morning, I feel pretty comfortable in my bed today. I have not much to do at home besides cleaning, but I figure that it's best to stay in bed for a little bit longer. A little too long, ugh. 

When finally getting up, I ignore my messy kitchen and write inside my journal while parallel creating things for OFF COLOR. This energy is always there...I just love to create.
In the same exact moment, I realize that I want to create this diary series for you. I love the idea sharing this and I somehow get super excited inside my body... 
Unfortunately, my brain is so confused and a little overwhelmed that it starts to create weird moments which will make this diary more fun to read. No, no. This will be as authentic as it can get. I am not faking moods or creating weird daily structures just to impress you. This shall show the pure me and what I go through these 7 days. No acting... no nothing. Just me. Also, it's Christmas... I will be in a good mood, I guess. Well, currently I am. I love Christmas.
God, my brain is triggered right now. I need to stop writing for a few moments. I get myself something to drink. 

Since we are experiencing a second lockdown here, I will continue working on some ideas and daily business on my computer today. After a panic attack last week and some crys, I also decide to focus a lot on nourishing myself this week, so I am really looking forward to enjoy a home-made chicken soup. Good for body, mind & soul.

My neighbors are really loud again, ughh, the side effects when everybody is home... I need to work with my headphones on to focus at least for a little bit. I'm listening to Will Downing's "A Love Supreme". 

I continued working and blasting my headphones until it was 11:42 PM. I need to go to sleep.

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020 

I can't believe I woke up at 7:30 AM. Success? I got up, got dressed and decided to hit the Turkish supermarket, before I treat myself with a rich coffee. Again, it's lockdown season and I feel weird going outside. I don't know what it is, but I feel anxious being around people...

I rode my bike, realizing it was so warm, and I couldn't help myself but smile while my chest gathered more and more anxiety. Too bad I thought, it was so nice outside, but I couldn't wait to get back home.

I grabbed mangoes for 39 cents per fruit and I continued working on some digital cleaning up. I set up some grapefruit essential oil and all of a sudden the day was passing. I started working on my self-care without further noticing it or writing a to do list about it.

Another plate of chicken soup and an extra round of chocolate made the day just perfect. I feel pretty okay today. The clock says 12:06 AM. TIME TO SLEEP.

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2020

Going to bed so late is literally the worst. I miss all the morning glory... My Google phone is waking me up at 7 AM (summer time 5/6 AM) every day, but this morning, I made it around 8:30 AM again... I have a short conversation with my sister on the phone while fighting to leave my warm and cosy bed.

I am heading to my kitchen to make breakfast. And a big cup of coffee, watching my bialetti on my stove playing music with the best coffee smell. Again, it's the small things. I continue writing a post for OFF COLOR, finding a bright spot in my apartment which is filled with shadows this morning because of all of the rain. Any bit of light feels like success to me — you might not notice it first, but it matters. 

Later, I can't find the motivation to clean my apartment, but I suddenly find a lot of inspiration to sit down and work on some financial things. Writing down my budgets, planning on some savings, and just trying to organize so that January won't stress me a tiny fuck. I recall my sister's words... I am in control of a little bit, even though the current lockdown is the boss of our daily routines. But I can control my chaos. Emotional, mental, physical, whatever you call it.

And so I start... Finances first.

Let's do this.

I light my Christmas tree to set the perfect mood.

Thursday, December 24th, 2020 

What is actually happening? I really managed to get up before my Google wake up program started! I rushed to my bathroom, took a shower, and treated myself with a hot chocolate with marshmallows. It's Christmas. I went back to bed to watch some old Disney movies from the 60s and then ended up watching an episode of chef Gordon Ramsay's travel diary.

I was happy, inspired, and just zen. I headed to my kitchen and started with my Christmas dinner preparations. In addition to that I turned on my Sonos and just vibed it out.

In a form of self-care, I also decided to dress up and do a full face make-up, just because. I could really tell that it was doing something to my whole mood. Again, I felt good, I felt relaxed and very positive.

Heading to my parents' home, I reached a final level of chill. Great food, old movies, laughter, and such a good atmosphere. It was the perfect evening. I got back home and watched Christmas movies with all of my candles and Christmas lights on. Today I feel a lot of gratitude. Whew. Corona Christmas was different, but also very inspiring and healing.

Friday, December 25th, 2020

I did not hear my alarm this morning. Okay, so much about getting back to waking up early... There was a lot of light in my room, so I knew it was time to finally get up. I'm all dressed up in my new Grinch pajama and I will enjoy a slice of cake for breakfast. To capture the whole theme, I decide to watch the Grinch as well. Reflecting on the last two days and actually this whole week, I feel a deep whew inside of me. I can't really tell about my mood of every day, I can't predict a thing, but I can tell that there are always surprises along the way. Maybe it's because I'm writing a diary this week that makes me put in some extra work or I focus on my feelings a bit harder which makes me gasp for air sometimes.

I am definitely continuing moving slowly and follow my body's signs and needs. I already said it before but this holiday the motto is gratitude, so I am taking out my two journals: one therapy book and my general doodle universe to write down about my feelings and how my mental health is doing right now.

It's the second day of Christmas and I am also leaving the city to see my sister. I'm taking the train and I must admit that this short ride was a pool of anxiety. I haven't been taking train rides lately and a lot has changed... I'm in a new train which is driving me nuts with all of its announcements, melodies playing, plus the usual traffic of people. Ugh, I'm getting hot, but not the sexy hot. I just want to get out of here.

Change of scenery. 

I am happy to be at my sister's place to cook and laugh together. We had a great second Christmas dinner together, but we also needed to keep the clock in mind, since we are having a curfew here. That's why we decided to head to the city for an hour to just walk around, look at the Christmas lights, and really enjoy this spirit. It was pure and so warming for the heart, even though it was crazy cold outside. 

Saturday, December 26th, 2020. 

I never really understood this day. Another day of Christmas celebrations. In Germany we celebrate the 24th and then we have two holidays following up: the first and the second day of Christmas. The second day of Christmas just doesn't make sense to me, because it feels like we are celebrating forever, haha. But, I won't complain. I am taking this seriously and so I check my Christmas to-do list and today I will have my special moment with Kevin and the Home Alone fun. A tradition I really enjoy. 
I'm alone, too, and somehow I can't really decide if I feel blessed and grateful to be healthy and nourished, or if I am very selfishly thinking that I'd love to be somewhere else right now. With someone else. My heart aches a little harder this year... but I will make the best out of it. 

I am actually finding some good minutes to read some poetry and look at some art which shall feed my mind and my imagination. I should really find more time to slow down, sit down, and just study what was going on in the past. I stumble over some poetry from Frank O'Hara. After a little bit, my mind couldn't focus anymore, so I dropped it and dedicated my whole being to the TV. Is it too early to eat all the Christmas chocolate? 

Ughh... I also feel a little disbalanced... so much food, so much sweets and candy, but somehow it makes me happy, haha. Food was always a great comfort of mine. Outch... good that I started this week with the best intentions. Facepalm. 

Sunday, December 27th, 2020

It's my favorite day of the week! I am always getting excited for Sunday to come, because it's the day when I can easily unwind, recharge, and create a lot of self-care moments. I woke up way too early to enjoy my weekly church session and I finished it with writing my weekly therapy book entry. This is when I reflect on my past week, what happened, how I felt, and what I can do to improve my mood. It's like a little workbook meets a personal emotions diary. Sounds like a lot? Well, I am enjoying it beyond, because I really love writing and understanding my body. Somehow, I craved to sleep a bit longer today, but what can I do? I don't want to miss this session, so I gotta get up.... But let me be honest. I want to sleep. I really do. 

It's the first day after the Christmas celebrations and I wonder how it will be to transition back to normal. I should definitely stop eating so much, haha. My mind is stressing me already in the morning hours, so I give myself a break and decide to continue letting my brain breathe with watching more movies. The TV program is repeating itself, so it was finally time to watch Pixar's "Soul". My iPad was ready, and so was I. I'm soooo excited. 

Whew. A lot of crying and good vibes. I kind of needed this movie right here, right now. I mean... this was just beautiful. 

Whew again. 

I ran to my computer to type some words about this movie and while writing it, I was dreaming myself into my kitchen again. Can I just stop thinking about food so much? 

I opened a new file and just wrote my soul out. How matching. Today is just the very perfect day to reflect. The lockdown is still messing a little with me and creating new traditions the last days was also a little overwhelming, but I am making the best out of ot.
I hear my second half reminding me that it's a way of perspective and I am always the one in control of it. I am a maker and I will definitely make the best out of it. 

I feel good about this year finally ending and I am meditating a bit deeper now, focusing to keep this energy really close to me. I guess I need to tell me this every day. Just keep going. 

Ohhh, and I realized that my weekly diary actually ends today. I am afraid to read previous entries... I actually forgot what happened last Monday... short memory, ha. But yeah, I also feel pretty good about writing everything down... showing you the world of a person who struggles with depression or general anxiety.

Wait. Before I continue.... I will re-read it. Sorry... I am a control freak. 

Okay. So. This is me. No script, no rules, just me and my feels. Shall I add something to December 27th? Well, I didn't do a lot this day...I think that's why I fastly skipped and wanted to start a little outro. 

What do I think about sharing my days with you? Well, I wanted to welcome you to my world. Also a world that many out there experience as well! Maybe a family member of mine is even reading this, wondering how I can be so happy and calm, when I feel actually the opposite sometimes. 

Welcome to the world of HSP and disorders, emotional imbalance, and simple feelings. 

I do feel a lot. I feel intense, but I am also a very normal person with hobbies and favorite food (you know me....). I decided to share an episode of my life during the holidays with you, because I was also curious to see how my behavior changes over these days. 
I wrote some words on how to experience the holidays when being sad and there are way too many people out there who still don't believe that sadness during the holidays exist. I wasn't sad per se, but you can tell that there are triggers out there which can put me into any kind of mood, no matter the season, or holiday. 

This is my world. I am working on my mental health for years now and my depression history is already celebrating its 10th birthday. I might look like a happy clown sometimes, but there are plenty of days where I want to stay in bed and be by myself. Crying and anger is something that is still around a lot - I am working on it and this takes time. Even with the Corona Virus being around, conditions are actually getting a bit worse to work them through... it's definitely a challenge. 

But what can we take from this? 
Not much. You just read a little diary. You might have seen that there were days where I did nothing. May it be a lack of motivation or an emotion I needed to work through. There were days where I had issues getting up in the morning and I had a little anxiety or panic attack in the train which was definitely the least thing on my mind. How crazy is this journey... 

7 days sounds like nothing, but to me, a lot happened. It's mid January right now and I shake my head. I should have written this diary two weeks later... this would have been interesting. Isn't it insane what happened the last days? Again, I am in a different state than I was when I wrote my diary. I am not having a panic attack on the train, because right now, I do everything to not even leave the house. I only go out when I need to shop some groceries... I am still figuring this lockdown thing out, but one thing kept being the same. 

My drive. 

I know the new year just started, but the energy that I felt when the year came to an end is still burning in my heart (thanks to "Soul"?). The more actually happens right now outside and inside my TV, the more energy I feel to create and make this world a better place. 

Anxiety doesn't need to be bad. Depression isn't something negative. Again, in my world, it helps me to refocus, recharge, and relearn things. 

I am burning for a lot of things thanks to my mental health. In reward for my inspirations and ideas, I will promise to my body to always keep it a priority and take good care of it. 
I take every day as it comes and I will nourish myself, learn and grow. I can't function without a healthy body and this journey will be a lifelong journey that I am really excited about. 

Let's forget about stigmas that we put on mental health. Don't feel sorry about my mental health issues. Don't feel bad that I struggle in huge crowds and that anxiety is the boss at my home so very often. If this interests you, educate yourself. How can you help? Do you know someone who could use some help or hear some healing words? 

We need to speak very openly about these things. Especially the people who still hide their depression or other sufferings, just to protect others, the uninformed. Ignorance and a non-understanding makes the communication really hard. 

Show more kindness, show love. 
Simply be open-minded. 

I don't allow anyone to speak negatively about mental health and the people who suffer from it. On OFF COLOR, I offer you a lot of posts on this topic, so I hope we can read the things, educate each other, and finally open a discussion that is fueled by love and dedication. No matter what differences we have, we have one thing in common: passion. We want to be the best version of ourselves and with passion and the right drive, we can all bloom in this beautiful world without shaming, guilt, and hate. 

Tolerance is beautiful and I am very grateful that I have this platform to push for it.

Thank you for reading my words and I hope you all feel loved out there.