5:23 PM

2020's finally behind us and we were all hoping for 2021 to bring back a feeling of joy and excitement. We are in need of it. Now, the year has been around for 12 days and it feels like this whole world is upside down. 12 days in.

Whew. 

6 days in and a horrific, frightening, and scary thing happened to America’s democracy. Democracy, not only something America enjoys a lot, but it’s a human right that was completely raped and destroyed by red MAGA hat wearing people who are motivated by a leader who still hasn’t learned anything about responsibility, power, honesty, and so much more the last four years. 


Moving on from this day feels pretty heavy to me right now and I still try to process all the happenings, even though I am very far away, across the ocean, watching this with crying and very sad eyes. 


Today, I wondered why people start sharing their fear, emotions, or simple „reviews of the event“ now, 6 days after the happenings. Are we trying to get active or are we stuck in the past, being numb to move on?Well, today, I feel the same. 

I am finally finding the muse to type some words down. I carry my journal close to me and I also write a lot on OFF COLOR to connect and spread hugs and love, but the last days, I was not able to describe how I feel. I get it. I understand why many wait so long to share their feelings. It’s a lot to process right now. 

I sat down and started asking myself questions. How is this happening? Why is this happening? What is actually going on on this planet? I am freaking out to just witness this. I exchanged with friends and family and the saddest answer is that deep down inside, we were actually all prepared for this. We knew this would happen and we know this president too well. It’s shocking seeing it and understanding that nothing is too crazy for this guy. We believe in a smarter brain, rationality, and a little understanding of life in general, but this guy seems to have his own rules of life, winning and losing, and just putting himself in the centre of the universe. Again, shaking my head. 

2020 was a lot for many, so much happening, and we can’t even finish processing before something else is intervening, which throws us back, leaving us behind struggling more than before. Then, fairy tales turn to constant nightmares. Yeah, wake up, fairy tales don’t exist… but you finally wake up and understand that something is super wrong here and we can’t go further like this. It brings me back to so much trauma and happenings which also make me shook and unbelievably sad. So many moments which actually turned to moments that we have to capture in history books to hopefully never live through again. A big gasp follows up. How is the world coping with this? All those moments you live through and see on the TV, wondering how this can happen in modern times. How are you doing with all of this stress and anxiety? 

The US owns a special place in my heart and I feel very uncomfortable when anything negative is happening there, demonstrating us, dreamers, that the American Dream feels more like a PR joke or very old fairy tale which never seems to be true or come true. Values and culture I truly respect and admire seems to be a bubble that fades away into darker clouds and dissolve in a storm of hate, ignorance, and sick ideologies. I am hurt when America gets hurt. 

This week feels heavy on my heart. I feel like 2001, when 9/11 happened. Even worse, my heart is breaking in pieces when I see people today wearing sweaters that say „Camp Auschwitz“. Seeing this sweater and hate paroles brings the connection to my roots, Germany. An image we can never get rid of. We need to understand that we are living in times were people believe that it’s okay to hate Jews, because that’s what history tells us. Nazis didn’t leave the surface when Hitler died and racist thinking did not stop when Germany’s democracy was brought back to its standard values which were established in the early years of the Weimar Republic. 

Being German is still a weird thing to discuss with people from everywhere around the globe. I should start a list and count how many times someone asked me if I was a Nazi, just because my passport says I am German. Escaping from these weird situations, I realise that everything is connected and racism is something we can’t escape no matter how hard we try. Racism is not a German problem, it exists globally. It’s the skin color, it’s the religion, it’s a different way of thinking. It’s connected, it’s complicated, it’s confusing. To me it’s frustrating that we need to discuss this in 2021, but again, we (especially I) need to leave our fairy tales behind. 

Closing my eyes, I think about Washington D.C.. I’ve been there in 2012 for the first time and I loved it. I told everyone I have never been to a city that has been so clean and organized. I was so happy to stand in front of the White House, knowing that Obama would be somewhere very close to me. My fairy tale moment. I went to the Capitol and I remembered walking around in there with my university group, studying every tiny bit of this place and being in awe of this magical monument. I was really there, another fairy tale moment? I don’t care what it was, but it made me feel very good and it left a special mark. This year, on January 10th, I sat down and immediately checked my memory card with all of my Washington D.C. pictures to bring back some warm memories and unbelievably beautiful moments. Whew. My heart tells me to sit down and process this. But how? 


Also do my words matter here? I’m somewhere in between experiencing nightmares and saying good-bye to my fairy tales from very far away, wondering if this is something that is only a warning which will be imitated by others from across the globe immediately. 


I am not only a fan of America and the special memories I’ve made there, but I am also a fan of democracy - let's be honest, a very American embossed spirit. The two actually go hand in hand. But what is happening that we cannot even trust a truthful and safe democracy when there are people out there who exploit and rape it? I don’t feel safe. I am scared. Where can we feel safe today if the government is not even protecting you. Even worse, when the government only takes care about itself. 

Where is the comfort that a working democracy should actually bring along? I mean what’s the meaning of a democracy today? How much worth is a human life when politics are played without intention and care. 

Fairy tales are really dead right now, this is actually just about surviving somehow. No matter how you feel and who you are - make the best out of it and just don’t give up. Taking it day by day, hoping that nothing bad is coming your way. Is this what our future looks like? 

I truly believe in community right now. The right people with the right approach, motivations, and drive. We need to pick up each other and fight. Not standing still and keep moving forward. One can do this better than the other and that’s why communities need to stick together now, stronger than ever. Helping everyone who’s already battling with trauma, social and racial injustices. As a single person in this universe we might feel lost, but together we can show the people at the top that we will never give up, no matter how much it rains on us. Because that’s democracy. We will never stop. Our pain, wounds, tears, and frustration will become the fuel that make us stronger and even bring us closer together. For a better democracy, for a better future. We can rewrite the rules. In peace, no violence, no mobs, no bullshit. Yeah, I know cotton candy won’t bring peace and will end conflict, but we need to relearn how to coexist and bloom in a world full of diversity and love which will help us all thrive and bring happiness. It’s the progress that matters, so as long as we move, nothing can stop us from having a brighter future. 

Whew.

Did writing this help me? A little bit. I don't know. I need to add here that I wrote this while listening to an ASMR video which helped me making me feel a bit sleepy, but also relaxed. My body is tense and my anxiety won’t leave me alone, but writing is always a good beginning of self-care.

Maybe this helps you. 

Maybe this piece here makes you think a little bit. 

I am sending out hugs to you. 

You are loved. 


With these words here. Impeach Donald Trump now. 

Take care.