6:13 PM 

The year comes to an end and here I am, reflecting on some highlights and special moments of the year. December was a month full of events and happenings, and somehow it feels like this was 2 months ago already. I guess I finally joined the club. I turned 30. 

In the past, especially when being a kid, the 30 was something really major. Having a serious job, making money, paying bills, having a family. Whew. I always had a lot of respect for that. Turning 30 is something I anticpated. I couldn't wait to be 30, too. 

When 2020 started, I thought about my big birthday bash that will happen at the end of the year, but that was it. I wasn't stressing about it - again, it was the excitement of finally joining the club. I really looked forward to it. This year, it felt even more special to me turning 30. 

The months passed and the more I created a new normal, started a new job, and simply tried to survive, the more I forgot about my birthday. It was my sister who constantly reminded me that my big day is coming closer and I needed to celebrate it. 

Private circumstances, the Corona virus, and whatever was happening took all the joy of celebrating away from me. I wasn't against my birthday, but I felt silly to celebrate, because there's so much bullshit going on right now - who am I to put myself in the spotlight just to celebrate two numbers? 

One week before my birthday, I wasn't even sure if I could celebrate with my family, since we are getting back to lockdowns and curfews. Can I just skip my birthday? No, not really. 

And then, the day was here. I turned 30. I took a deep breath and sighed. That's it. This "big, life changing day" was here and all I felt was gratitude. I was happy that I woke up, healthy, and with a big smile on my face. Again, I am ignoring the fact that I turn 30 and just have a very chill and zen day. 

I am starting a new decade, this shall be started with a lot of self-care and self-love. Check. 

I spent half of my birthday in my pajamas and I ate a birthday lasagna in my bed watching Lilo & Stitch. I received warm messages and ended the day with a sweet little hang out with my parents who were also taking the 30 a bit more serious than I did. (I guess it's also a milestone for the parents... thinking about their age and what has happened in the last years). 

A few days passed and I sat down to write into my journal. I thought about my birthday again. This is 30. I still haven't reached a moment where I worried, panicked, or created negative thoughts about my age. I remember how stressed I felt about a 27 or 28 & that I haven't started working on my "life goals" yet. This did not show up when I turned 30. Again, this year, I am just grateful for my health and my motivation to never give up and fight. 

I talked to my sister again and she emphasized my age a lot. "I finally joined the club, now everything will change... I am dirty thirty, ugh." Her words sat with me for a moment. I had my Carrie Bradshaw moment and sat on my computer, doing a little research on "turning 30". 

Is something wrong with me? Will the blues come a bit later than expected? And do I really have to feel blue about turning 30? 

I think about the entertainment industry. In movies, turning 30 just feels weird to me. Women have a mental breakdown, stressing, worrying, or a life-changing thing is happening. There is no momentum of zen and simply nothing. Isn't age just nothing but a number? Why are we educated like that? Creating a moment of panic, when we could actually just continue to enjoy life, keep blooming, and growing. Because that's what I am doing right now. 

I am not scared that my 2 turned into a 3. I feel happy about it. Time to leave all the shit behind.


I know that everyone is experiencing this birthday and period of time in a different way and maybe you feel bad about it or you are scared, I respect that, but from my perspective, I am definitely relieved that I leave my 20s behind. I did not enjoy this decade. Basically, because this was a lot of shit loaded with ups and downs, tears, panic attacks, and blackouts. Thinking back on my last decade, I think about my depression and finding back to a normal life... I think about how many people I met and how many people I dismissed out of my life. I think about how much I learned when having my real first job and how being fired felt like. I smile when I think about a very transformative 10 years and I smile even harder knowing that the next 10 years will be awesome. I feel like life is starting right now and with the stuff I learned the last years, I should easily know how to navigate through. You see, I'm relaxed and you can understand now why I'm very unbothered. 

Lena Dunham describes how it feels to turn 30 like this: 

“Really excited. When I was turning 25, I felt this weird sense of dread, like...I no longer had a cushion or excuse [to fail], because if you’re under 25, you’re the modern equivalent of a child. Everyone I trust has reported back to me that the challenging aspects of your 20s — the sort of stuff Girls (her HBO show) is about, actually — just evaporates into the rearview mirror in your 30s." 

Emma Stone adds a good thing, too. 

"My twenties were a really interesting time, and there’s been a lot that has happened in these past 10 years, both positive and not as positive. It’s weird how much turning 30 crystallizes your life. Instead of just living the dreams that I had in my youth and getting to do the job that I love to do and making friends and going through all of that, it’s like, Now what do I actively want as an adult?"

What do we want as an adult? 

I guess this is what my next year will be about and then I will be vibing through this next decade. I'm writing down some goals, some disciplines that benefit myself, and I will just take it day by day. That's how I know I will dedicate the right energy into things and life situations that matter and make me happy. 

I was still on my Carrie Bradshaw, continuing my research. There must be someone out there, telling us that the 30s will leave a lot of ughhh behind and bring so many smiles to a new decade. I really wonder why this is so hard to find... 

Instead of finding what I was looking for, I landed on YouTube, watching the Friends episode where Rachel is celebrating her 30th birthday together will the whole entourage. Again, a fun way to forget your frustration, if you feel any. Rachel is a whole mood and you will definitely smile watching this

When coming to an end of my studies, I landed on Cosmopolitan's website. I read about the Saturn return - a phenomenom I never investigated in further... BUT this is very interesting and something we should all care about!

I don't know if you believe in the universe, the stars, or if you think that horoscope are just a page filler in a magazine covering things that won't ever happen to you. 

Saturn return is real and it will bring you the perfect lesson you need to know when turning 30. 

So what is Saturn return? Well, this can be a lot and you might get a little anxious now...but don't worry, this is also healing at the same time. To explain it very simple: Saturn is returning to the same spot, or the same zodiac sign, it was in when you were born. This takes about 29.5 years for Saturn to complete one full orbit around the Sun, which is why we don’t encounter this astrological event until our late 20s. Its echoes though can be felt into our early 30s as it takes 2.5 – 3 years to unfold. What ?!?! *There's even a second (and possibly a third for the long-lifers) Saturn Return that hits us between ages 57-60, too. Saturn’s presence means life lessons are going to be issued. So you better be ready to grow up and go through some feels. OMG.

Okay, I am sorry to scare you here. So let me finish this by getting back to my point of leaving all my shit behind. Remember what I told you in the beginning? I lost my job this year, Corona happened, I also suffered a lot when it comes to my mental health... my world was really upside-down. I was fighting and I was struggling. 

When I read about Saturn return, I realized that this was all making sense. 2020 was full of life-lessons, I didn't understood why I needed to learn or why they were so intense, but now I know that this was naturally happening from the universe to set me free when I am 30. 

Maybe I will still experience some bounces and punches from this Saturn returns phase, but I am more than ready to kick ass. 

When turning 30, please don't freak out. Take this with you today. Calm yourself down and be kind to yourself. Use this moment to reflect on your path and what's good and what's bad - what can you change, what can you eliminate? Focus on the lessons and not the past! Get serious, grow up, take that extra step, and do the damn thing. Because you can! You can change your life, for the better.

And please don't tell yourself that 30 means that everything is over and every opportunity missed will never come back. You are still young and all the damn doors are still open for you. Educate yourself, evolve, bloom, grow, and just be. Do mistakes - turn them into something greater. 

The universe got your back and you are here for a reason, so don't create a drama on your age. This is wasted time and energy, love. 

Feel loved today. 

Let's chat aboutt his in 30 years again. 

Picture via.