10:57 AM

No one knew what 2020 would bring along - the good and the not so positive stuff: I had no expectations and was completely in shock, just like so many people out there. 

The Corona Virus changed so many people's lives, but I did not know or expect to be one of the people who would lose her job right in the middle of this chaos. 

Yes, I am having a regular job next to my creative universe, just because you never know... safety, first - that was the plan. But then it happened, Corona stopped by, and all of a sudden I lost my job, even though I believe that in my case there is more bs behind the curtains, but that doesn't matter and it doesn't belong here. No negative energy, I want this post to strive, shine, and be full of hope! 

This was the first time I lost my job and I couldn't believe being in this position. I know so many other people around the globe are living the same nightmare, but experiencing this for the first time (and in such a harsh way) was a little too much for me. 

It's not that isolation and a little mental health mess was already entering my world when the lockdowns started, but then you lose your job and you feel like someone wants to push you off the cliff. How do you react in that situation? How can you continue life feeling happy and blessed? I can tell you that in my case, I experienced the worst weeks with a pain that I have never felt before. 

I am an empath, I am a highly sensititve person, I feel extra hard. And so this pain didn't want to leave me for a while. 

I experienced panic attacks every day, I was crying, I was eating way too much or nothing at all. I lost all of my joy, and even writing on OFF COLOR was a big pain - I was actually not in the mood to connect to anybody. 

I decided to take a little weekend break to sit down and just heal with some good tea and a book. Somehow I chose Hillary Clinton's "What Happened", since I wasn't motivated to read more books about psychology or mental health answers which actually make me more anxious. I am not into novels, so I felt like a real life story might make me think less and drift off easier. 

I love Hillary. A great woman, rolemodel, political figure, and suit lover we should all cheer for! I was actually excited reading her book and getting to know her thoughts and insight of what happened after she lost the last presidential election against Donald Trump.


I have always loved politics, even though I don't understand everything and following Hillary for a longer time now, I kind of felt that this book would be something special. 

Little did I know that this book helped me dealing with my current issues so much! 

Opening the book and reading the first pages, I felt a deep connection already - I love how honest and pure Hillary is writing. From her first words you can already tell that she's an empath, which gives me the best feeling and comfort, so I continued reading. It didn't even feel like reading a book, it feels more like we have an intimate conversation - she's talking straight to me. 

Hillary starts every chapter with an inspiring quote which perfectly introduces every theme of the chapter, but it also feels like a pure motivation. I love reading things like that, especially when I find quotes or sayings that I privately also love to keep close to me. It's often the simple stuff that kicks your butt and makes you see new light to feel inspired and alive again. 

"It's how you lose" - one simple thing she drops in between of this refreshing monolog. I stopped and re-read the lines. I reminded myself that this book is about Hillary's defeat against Cheeto face - a political story that is actually not relatable with my story. I did not want to be the president, but I definitely lost something that "kind of mattered" to me. I was disgraced and I was hurt. Can I compare my feelings and my situation to Hillary's? 

I could totally understand her pain, so I took her words seriously and tried to think about my own situation and feelings. 

Yes, I lost, but I can decide how I lose. Am I depressed about it or do I feel free now and can flip the bird and just spread my wings? As I found myself in the most negative cloud, I knew that these few words helped me fighting my battle and choosing the positive instead the negative. 

I decide how the fuck I lose. I lose with dignity, a big smile, and a hungry heart to kick ass! I won't go anywhere ~ I will succeed without these fools. 

To feel more balanced and focusing on the good, Hillary often talks about how certain breathwork and yoga helped her during her own healing process. This is something I have been doing for a long time, but I understood that I needed to emphasize this routine and pleasure more during the day and when the day ends. I actually built my days around meditation, spirituality, and good vibes. I meditated at least twice a day, I worked out (more or less), stretched, took deep breaths, and worked with candles and essential oils to recharge. 

Forgetting about my stress, my fears, and letting go of my anxiety, I was able to recreate myself and find a new purpose. 

I opened my personal book and started a new chapter. I found so many great inspirations for this platform and I got lost in creating so much, perfectioning my craft. I even felt the inspiration to write my first children's book, which I will release really soon! 

I wouldn't say that I was healed after I read three chapters. Just like Hillary, I am also very internal and I love to analyze everything. Why did this happen to me? What is going on here? Is this about me or what is the reason? Do I need to change? Bla bla. Those questions turned to nightmares which was at the beginning more than hard to dismiss and replace with dreams of unicorns and rainbows. Fact is when we feel stuff like this, we need to feel it. Embrace the feeling, learn and grow from this. I know it's hard and we feel punished, but with the right supportive system and a lot of self-care, we will find a way back. I guess we can all find a new purpose or at least new energy to find our calling. 

Hillary's family mantra is "get caught trying" and that's why you shouldn't give up as well. Fighting this battle is already a positive thing, because you try to leave the bs behind and find sunshine again. Stay focused and don't lose track! You are already moving towards the right direction and who knows what you will find along the way? 

Throughout the book you learn about Hillary's passion projects and what values and things she cares about. Equality, mental health, women's rights, bullying programs - no matter what it is, Hillary is fighting for a change wheather she is doing this all by herself or with the help of her supporters and especially the next generation of activists fighting along her side. 

Hillary was all in her feels. She suffered. She felt pain. She went through a lot. But look at her today. She looks amazing and I am so proud to see how tough and ass-kicking she always is, smiling and radiating the best energy. 

I finished the book with the biggest smile. 


I love this book and I can't believe how refreshing this was. I wasn't looking for healing through this book, but somehow this is exactly what it did. 

Again, I don't want to compare our both situations and put them on an equal level, but reading about someone's pain and how the person turned it into something great is exactly what I needed. 

I know that pain is real and I have felt it many times in the past. There are things I am still going through for the first time, like being fired, so I need to learn and understand this pain, too. Pain is not one kind of pain - it differs, but it's so great to know that healing is always waiting for us on the other side. And oh boy, healing so damn sexy. I feel more than pure, clean, and recharged again. 

I connected closer to myself, my motivation, and my aspirations. I feel reborn and I feel blessed to be in this position now to talk about my scars and hoping to help anyone out there who might feel the same pain as I do. 

Unfortunately, there are many people in pain right now and maybe your pain is even worse than mine! Know that you can make it out of there! You feel like this is over for you and you don't have the motivation to get up and take the challange called life. 

But one day, it will just hit you. It might be one special word, one phrase, or one simple action or gesture - it could be anything, and then you will feel a fire again which will change your life. 

Don't be mad at yourself if your healing takes a little longer - your body needs it. Don't stress yourself and let go of everything that is not serving you. 

You are still worth it and you are amazing, don't forget that! 

Hillary, thank you for sharing your pain and helping me dealing with this shit way better! It saved me and it helped me becoming such a strong person this year!

I will end 2020 with no regrets, but only the best aspirtations and vibes to keep being on my happy cloud, no matter what's going on around me. 

I'm grateful.