7:14 PM When I was at my lowest point, totally frustrated with no more ideas what to do and how to get my healthy life back, I firstly started thinking about going to a therapist. 

Back then, I was a teenager (or at least adulting), going to a therapist was seen as something negative.

I saw it as a chance to heal and simply discuss my thoughts with someone who's not a family member - it was intriguing to me. 
I discussed it with my mom and she simply laughed about it. She didn't understand my condition (I don't blame her). 
After a little research, I  dismissed the thought of therapy totally, because I didn't want my partens to spend all their money, but I actually was more scared about people knowing about it. 
Will I be treated differently? What are the people from my school thinking? Gossip is being spread so freaking fast... I knew I wasn't safe. 

I kept going by myself and just tried to survive every day. 
The one person who conquered my heart asked me, too, one day, why I don't see a therapist - it would be the easiest for me. 
I refused and shook my head. No, no, no. Therapy is not my thing. 

I am 29 years old now. My lowest point of my depression is totally in the past and I am healing wonderfully (still experiencing a lot of ups and downs though (that's life)). I am so proud of my journey and sometimes I cannot believe how I got here. 
I was frustrated. 
I cried a lot. 
But I survived.
I'm not healthy today, but as I love to call it, I am on my road to recovery.
Healing brought my joy of life back. 

It took me forever, but here I am. 
With 29 years, I am starting to look back a bit. 
I am turning 30 in December. 10 and even more years of anxiety, depression, and mood swings. What can I do to heal fully in my 30s?

I want to celebrate this important number with a cleanse and therefore I want to cleanse my body, mind, and soul throughout the year. I woke up shortly after my birthday in December and said to myself that it's time to see a therapist. 
The thought sounded sexy to me. 

I was at work and used my break to browse through the internet to see what kind of offer is out there. I got nervous for a moment, wrote down all the numbers, and decided to go outside and take a walk...
I felt insecure all of a sudden, so I just wanted to get out and think about what I was actually doing. 

At the end of my walk, I grabbed my cellphone and decided to call the first therapist. I was shaking, but I knew that somehow I was doing the right thing. 

Unfortunately, nobody answered. 
I tried it with the other numbers and also no one answered. 

I went back to the office and wrote emails to everyone I just called. 
One therapist said I should call again - she didn't pick up the phone when I called her again and I got a bit tired of this back and forth...
The other therapists took forever to answer. 

As I waited for them to apply, I was getting anxious again.
Was it the right thing?
Why am I doing this now?
Isn't it kinda too late? 

No, I said to myself that I want to work on my negative roots and maybe all I need to fully heal is to talk to someone who's an expert. I mean my experiences and healing practices go over testing and just doing whatever I feel like doing. Maybe I needed the right insight from an educated person I don't know. 

If not now, when shall I do it then?
I felt ready. 

After a week, I finally got an answer. None of the therapists I contacted offered me an immediate oppointment. No one cared really about my concerns or problems that I wrote in the very intimate mail. All of them told me to call back in a couple of weeks or I shall make an appointment with the earliest happening in April. 
I was laughing.
Seriously? 
I want help.
Now. 
What are those "therapists" doing when a person writes about suicide? Does this person also need to wait forever? 

I felt bad. 
I was disappointed. 

It's January, I want to start my cleanse now and don't wait on a therapist who's actually not interested in me and my problems. 

Yeah, my ego was kinda hurt...maybe I am too stubborn as well. But no, I decided that this is a sign and I not depending on a therapist.
I didn't say good-bye to the whole therapy thing, I might not find the right approach here in Germany... 

For now I have to say that I am not looking back and I absolutely don't regret my committment to therapy. I am happy that I am so mature about not having any problems anymore to accept that help is great. Help is nothing bad. 
It's not urgent to go and see a therapist... I just wanted to prevent past happenings and just start a super fresh chapter. 
Do I really need a therapist for this? I'm not sure. 
I went on Amazon and got myself two beautiful books - I think they changed my life and perspective. WOW!
Let me tell you about this more soon! 


*Share your experience! Have you seen a therapist or are you thinking about it? 
Please share anything you can share - tips, ideas, inspiration, and even fears! 
I listen and send you hugs!

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