2:37 PM Today is an important day that we should appreciate a bit more. 
It might be a day that doesn't affect you. It might be a day you never cared about... but maybe you should.
This is world mental health day and we never know when it's the right time to care about it. 
If you ask me, we should be confronted with this in early stages. We have to give more access to this topic and make public that there is actually a lot of help out there and no need to feel ashamed to seek for it. We have to make help affordable and spread more info about mental health and what to do as a parent, friend, or family member. Stop the stigma and be more tolerant and understanding. 
Empathy is a big word here. 

I shared my story already on OFF COLOR and it was a battle to fight if I am super open about it here and especially when's the perfect time to share my story. 
After 8 years, I feel more than ready to speak about it and that's why I started focusing on mental health and my story and experiences more on OFF COLOR. This is something I enjoy doing and I will fight for a better source of info for anyone out there. 
To make it as simple as possible, I started my introduction to mental health with three different discussions (1 and 2) and today, for world mental health day, I am sharing my last part for this series. (Don't worry, there's more coming!!)

Today might be a bit too much for some people, today might be boring for some of you. You might find a little hope today or a little motivation to win your own battle. 
Know that you are not alone. 
Read my letter to my past self and maybe you feel inspired to do the same. It's a good way of self-therapy and I am so happy to be in this position right now and understand myself better like that. 

Enough words from me here. 
Let's just read my love letter to myself. 

Dear self, 

I'm talking to the 14 year old me, but also the 22 year old me. I can't really say what has been the worst time of your life, because it felt like this period of your life took forever. 
I remember how you thought you could never escape out of this. You saw no way out...
You didn't even remember a different state of mind... the happy times, before your depression hit you. Your life just felt like a big waste and so ugly...there was no sunshine, only clouds around you. 
You felt punished and you didn't know why it had to hit you. 
Each day you asked yourself those questions, finding answers and crying yourself to sleep. 
You knew there wasn't something going right. 
But somehow you accepted this "vibe" and you tried to survive day by day. 
When mom tried to console you, she always said that times will be better and you will feel okay soon. Do you remember how much hate you felt when you realized that everyone tried to tell you the same story? How much you suffered and felt that no one understands you and they actually don't care? 
People always told you that you are too dramatic, too emotional, too sensitive. 
This made you even more sad. 
School was such a horrible time and I remember how often you just wanted to quit. Quitting was one of your favorite words to use and today I can tell you that you conquered yourself and your bad ideas! You didn't leave school, you worked even harder on your dreams. Even though your condition was bad, you kept yourself busy. You created, you dreamed, you loved, you expressed yourself. You kept on breathing and after every big cry, you wiped away your tears and got yourself together. 
There was a lot of fear and shame, but those two things didn't bring you down. 
You kept on going, even though you didn't notice it. 
You wanted to end your life so many times and I am so mad at you today that you let your mind think this kind of bullshit. You wrote ideas into your diary how to end your life... what's the easiest way to disappear. How can the pain finally end? How do I escape from this depression? 
Taking your life was such a sweet thing in your head. Let me tell you that you are a dumbass for thinking that. 
You are so strong and kind... why do you want to end your life when you didn't have the opportunity to show the world how wonderful you are? 
Don't you dare thinking this silly stuff and please focus on your light and strength! 

See where this brought you. 
Again. You took step after step. You might felt good sometimes, other days, you just wanted to cry and scream. No people around you. No one talking to you, because you can't stand people annoying you all day. Fake conversations...gosh, this is too much to handle. But still, you were walking. Taking a hike through life. 
Starting many new chapters... school was done, you started university, you did many jobs and earned your first money, you met the weirdest people, and you met some of your idols and people who would give you more creative input and inspiration to finally become the person you want to be. 
Rememeber your family was always there for you. Even though you felt more than alone when you dropped university. 
You felt like a failure. You felt lost so many times. You didn't believe in yourself. Confidence was something you struggled with so much (you are still doing today, love). 
Being an adult then, you realized how much shit you have to eat as a grown-up. Meeting people at university and at your job showed you how fucked up our society can be, but you also found great people who brought you joy! You learned to trust again. From being alone so much and locking yourself in your room, you went outside and met people. Connecting. Okay, you mostly hung out outside to get drunk and let alcohol be one of the best solutions that helps you build a new world in your head. But girl...alcohol is no solution. Today you are not drinking a drop of alcohol anymore! If people ask you why you don't drink... let them talk. They might not understand.... At least you know that you don't need this to let go of fear and anxiety. Back then... it was a good solution to meet people and have a kind of social life.
I'm honest here, it was exhausting for you, I remember that, but I am so proud how many times you said fuck it and just did it. 
You conquered yourself so many times and you never gave yourself credit for it! 
This journey was an up and down thing and you thought this rollercoaster would never end. Being all lost and confused didn't give you a lot of light and aspirations for the future until the littlest things started to shift your perspective and all of a sudden you found a path to escape from your black hole. Your cave. 

You were at the bottom for way too long. 
It was time to leave this home... a comfort zone that got too uncomfortable. 
Life was calling you and there were things like OFF COLOR and running that sparked joy in your life. Running was your first kind of real therapy where you understood and learned from. It changed you and started a great new chapter of your life. 
And don't forget about the most important therapy in your life. You fell in love. 
There was this special person who was there when you were at the bottom and had no motivation for life and all the good things. You guys were crazy! Talking for hours, throughout the night... you covered the weirdest topics and he made you smile so much. He was your perfect therapy next to running and sweating it all out. He was there for you no matter what. 
I can tell you today that your heart is still beating heavily for this person and you feel so happy knowing him. He saved you. Say thank you to him whenever you are with him and show him how much you love him. 
Love saved you. 
And all of a sudden you seem to be a different person. I can tell you that you also have a lot of love for yourself. 
There is so much love inside your body, there's no space for hate or bad vibes! Isn't this crazy?

You started to engage yourself for our Mother Nature - saving the oceans and spreading the word about plastic pollution! Today you are trying to help more people who suffer from mental health - all because you want to share your light and love. Girl, you are a real Sagittarius who wants to save the world. And I told you that in the beginning! You need to be seen! I love that you care about so many things people are blind and ignortant about! 
Yes, this frustrates you and you still get mad at so many tiny things, but I am so proud that you are still learning and especially recovering. 
You take recovery and recreation very serious. You want to feel good and healthy - I like that about you! Learning about energies and highly sensitive people might be the cherry on top that makes your life so much sweeter right now. 
You are living the life. 
Staying in your lane, living and learn. You are still not giving up. Taking so much care of yourself and energies around you. And most importantly, you smile. 
At work, they always compliment your attitude and happiness! Good work, girl! 
You are 28 years today and I am so proud to see you being this sunshine and clown that you are! 
You ate a lot of shit, huh? Again. You are here. 
You are still here. 
And you are loved. 
There's a lot of love. 

If you regret anything? Maybe. But the funny thing is that your person and self today is so happy about those dark times of your life, because without this knowledge, you wouldn't be as strong as you are. People respect that about you! 
Being open about your anxiety and mental health was a big step for you and you often walk against closed doors, but Sagittarius girl, you keep on going! 

I love you, 
*keep on vibing ~~

Writing this letter was hard. 
But it's also satisfying. 
My story is tough and as you might know now or already have known....there was a lot going on. 
But good news: every human being is going through difficult times! We might feel alone and frustrated and yes we can't really deal with certain situations, because our perspective is limited, but this is really just for a moment. Times are changing and we shouldn't loose our focus. There is hope. There is support. And there is always help. 
Seek for help.
Don't feel ashamed.
Cry if you want to.
Express your emotions. 
Never give up! 

I cried so much writing down these words and I hope anything you read from this post today might help you or a loved one, so please share it!!! 
Let's heal together!!! 

thank you. 


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