3:12 PM I wasn’t sure if I should go online with this topic. I didn’t know if I should keep this to myself. I was scared writing about this. It’s not about my image. I just don’t know how strangers react to that. 

Should I care? 

Should you care? 

Well, another question is if this is the right place to share it? 
I guess so. 

I talked about mental conditions a lot here and in case you are around often, you might know that I have had a lot of roller coaster rides with my anxieties and mental issues. I feel weird speaking about topics like this nowadays, because I feel like talking about depression, mental illness, and burn outs feels like a trend. Everyone is stressed out – life is too much for us and our lifestyles are fucked up. I know it’s easy to say “I’m exhausted” or “I feel sad”, but one should take care how those topics are approached. I personally feel offended when someone talks about being depressed af, pretending to be a loner and a nobody, when I see you living the opposite. This is not a joke. There are people out there with a very serious condition and no one cares about them. They are alone – super alone… those are the ones who take their own life away, because life is really too much for them. 

With my 27 years, I still don’t know what I shall call myself. I have been through a lot, and I actually thought I am over with those silly fights with my demons. I felt like I was cured. There was a time where I loved being sad and alone. I turned my status quo to an obsession. My friends belonged to my past and I realized I was an outcast. I wasn’t respected for who I was, I was only seen as a threat (don’t ask me for what). I cried every day. Those people hurt me like crazy. I didn’t know that human beings could be so cruel. 

My family couldn’t help me much. My mom said times will get better… it’s just a phase. My sister was there and tried to help me the best she could. Since this negative cloud won’t pass away like that, I tried to change my aura… my only way out was to like the negative vibes. I soaked it all in. I deleted my self-esteem (if there was any…), I quit talking much, I spent most of my time alone in my room, and I listened to the most depressive music. I liked this. I created my own world where sadness was the right way to be the happiest. This went on for a little bit. 
Meanwhile I graduated from high school and finally went to university. I still went through ups and downs. I took new beginnings as a challenge to restart and let the people get to know the coolest person on this planet, but I couldn’t stand this image long. It was hard for me to be someone I am not. Maybe I was a popular cat a while ago…I’m actually a clown and I love to sing and dance around… but I felt it’s not appropriate to be like this now. I feel more comfortable in my sad wonderland where nothing and no one could disappoint me. 

University also proved that people are fucked up. I tried to make friends. I failed. I had more teacher friends than friends in my age. I was happy when I left university. I couldn’t go on. In between it happened that I suddenly met someone who was an alien, just like me. We were so much alike, but also beyond different. What matters is that he always believed in me and I never understood why he spent so many hours to talk to me and make me smile. He gave me positivity and vibes I still can’t describe until today. 

I thought about suicide a lot. I felt that the idea was really inviting to just let go. I wondered what’s out there. Is this all? I studied philosophy day and night. I read all the books out there which explained about mankind, human nature, behavior, values, and evolution. Hmm… interesting, that’s it. I couldn’t learn much from it. I still felt the same. 
Sometimes I was even more frustrated, because I was so disappointed about human beings. How can we descend from masterminds like Einstein, Goethe, or Newton? The issues we create nowadays are stupid and so unimportant to even mention them and giving them their moment to shine. I felt ashamed to be a human being who doesn’t know what’s my purpose on this planet – being a trashcan for my thoughts which no one values. I was a nobody. Not in his world. Then there was my alien again. My savior. He helped me seeing light. Maybe that was my kind of rebirth – seeing the light, ending my old life, to start all over. Thanks for saving me – I told you this a lot, A. ~ 

From that moment on, my journey didn’t stop, but I kind of fell back into normal habits and I felt a sense of living life like a normal person again! 6 years later – which dates this year… I feel like I am out of this dark cloud. I shifted my focus and my dearest person still helps me daily to feel love only and nothing else. Love helped me. So much. I still had to relearn some things. I was ready to let happiness into my life again and I was excited to be a normal human being. 

Do I regret this journey of mine? 

Without this I would have never realized who I am. I am more than just water, blood, cells, and muscles. With this weird journey, I learned that I am an empath. I am a HSP and I have social anxieties which led me to depression. I would never wish this to anyone, because kids should be kids. Unfortunately, this happens way too often nowadays. While I was in this dark world, I hated, and I loved it. Today, I have no relationship to it, but I acknowledge the fact that I finally understood who I was. I can deal much better with my being today and I know what triggers or bothers me. I study my moods, my vibes, my feelings, and my dreams – I know what to do. Human beings still annoy me here and then, but I know how to deal with it. Am I healed? I wouldn’t call it “being healed” – I would call it “I’m on my way”. 

Let’s skip forward. I needed this intro to make you understand this. 
June ’18. I celebrate summer. You might saw my posts about me loving the warmer months and spreading love for the oceans through running. Yes, my running comeback finally happened, and my heart felt happy again. You saw my Instagram Stories… all I am doing the last weeks is spreading good vibes – motivating you! Summer brought so many cool things along and I felt zen af. I was doing perfect to be honest. I actually started loving summer… damn, I must be in the best mood I could ask for. My vibes were cool the last weeks as well… I couldn’t complain. 

Then Anthony Bourdain died. Suicide. I wrote some personal words also on the blog, because I felt like I needed to talk about this. A hero of mine died. I didn’t know how to react and I couldn’t really believe it. I reread the words I wrote about him. I couldn’t believe that I wrote a piece about Anthony who is dead. Fuck. 
I talked about this with my sister. I told her how sad I was. Why did Anthony do this? I loved how strong he was or pretended to be…. His “I don’t give a fuck attitude” is something I copied 100% and I enjoyed it. How can this happen though? I shared a couple of tears. I guess, I can’t change it, but ugh, this hit me. Again. I started to feel a bit weird. 
I went on. I watched a couple of shows with him to be in a good spirit, but the more I watched, the angrier I got. I keep this dude close to my heart, but I can’t explain how his death hit me… 

I started to think about death again. I never really thought about death… As a kid, I had a phase were I was scared to go to sleep, because I thought I might not wake up again… Death seemed so sick, it was freaking me out. I didn’t want to grow up, because I knew I had to die one day, too. Then, it was gone again. I didn’t care about death. I learned about religion and still didn’t give a shit about dying or rebirth or whatever.

My grandma passed. 
Death was around again. Fuck. This broke my heart. With my grandma’s death, I swore that I will never ever ever think about death again. It started to scare me. I was pretty successful with ignoring this angst of mine. I mean who likes talking about that? With Anthony’s passing, some thoughts bubbled up and were asking for final answers. Shit, I can’t answer death questions… leave me alone. Some other morning I woke up and saw pictures of a murdered rapper and massive fan crowds on Instagram. Oh boy. Do I attract death right now or what’s going on? 

The same day, my sister showed me a horrible video of this same person who was actually filmed while being shot and lifeless inside the car. I’m talking about the death of Florida musician XXXtentacion. What the fuck is going on? I didn’t know this kid, but seeing this was making my stomach hurt. No matter who that is… no one deserves a death like this. And the exposure? Have some respect for his mom and family members… those bastards are insane. 
Now my whole Instagram feed was full of XXX videos and horrible death pictures. It haunted me from my first breaths in the morning until I got sleepy in my bed in the evening. This went on for two more days until I started to do my research. XXX messed with my head. I am honest…I don’t follow all those new hip hop trends, even though I am a die-hard hip hop fan. I knew him from pictures, but I wasn’t familiar with his music. I started listening to a couple of songs and the funniest thing happened: I found a song I heard on IG a long while ago, but the person didn’t mention from whom this song was. Now I know that this song is a XXX song. Fuck. I love that one. 

I listened to some more and all of a sudden I found myself surrounded in a sad cloud listening to ANYthing he did. I watched interviews, I checked his YouTube channel, and I continued seeing Instagram posts which were randomly updated day by day. A week passed and somehow XXX was a huge part of my day. I felt sad. How weird that I could built or create such a deep connection “even though I was a little bit too late”. The only music I wanted to listen to was his. I wanted to cherish this being by listening to his music and share the good things he did. I don’t want to dig deeper into this, you might like him or not – fact is, this second death of a very influential and inspiring figure hit me hard, too. 

Man. I’m an empath and I tend to be emotional about anything that happens around me. My neighbor’s cat can die and I feel a certain sadness. I create connections which throw me off and mess with my whole being, just because something in my body is reacting to moods and vibes. I can’t control it. In this case I was an empath who heavily responded to death. I thought about death 24/7 again. I felt a deep sadness inside of me. Not even running could make me push away this blues. 

I began to worry. 
How is this going? I am 27. Am I moving backwards? Is my sadness coming back because of this? I mean…what? I couldn’t help myself. I was happy to go to work and distract myself… I also created a lot and wrote my blog posts…but afterwards I felt sad. 

Hey, it’s summer. I should go out more, swim, eat tons of ice cream, and just jump around. No thank you. After my running challenge was over, I was happy to be off from running. I don’t want to move. I want to eat. I want to feel pain and I want to deal with it somehow. I know I can. Ja, sometimes, I need to feel sad to appreciate the good times, but I still couldn’t explain this situation. I feel like there’s no spark and no joy. What can I do? 

I kept on living from day to day and I wished summer to be over now. Man. I never experienced this. After my last run I finished with Kool and The Gang’s “Winter Sadness” – is there also a summer sadness? I don’t want to focus on the d-word (depression), but I never felt such an uncontrollable sadness during the hot period of the year. Is that healthy? Is that something others experience, too? 

Today is July 24th. XXX’s death is now a month old and I still feel attached to this topic. I cried a lot. It touched me beyond and it made something with me. He doesn’t want his people to be sad, so me, as a new connector, I don’t want to spread too many bad vibes and just focus on his positive light. How do I feel today? I think this week is the first week I feel better. Yeah. When I realized that one month passed, I got really angry with myself. Why am I wasting so much time for this? Maybe I was too busy identifying this situation and wanting to know what was going on with me that I just needed to hold on to this… I started meditation again. Not a 10 minute break… I did this 1-2 hours a day! I felt that meditation is the only thing that keeps me sane right in this moment. 

After two of my sessions were done, I woke up the next morning and my body automatically told me to be happy. Something happened in my sessions and I don’t know what it is. Fact is, I feel okay. I’m good. I kind of pushed the dark clouds away and accepted the status quo. Again. I understand that everyone is dealing differently with loss, sadness, or topics which scare them… but what I realized during meditation was how important it is to shine bright light out onto the world. Inspire and spread good vibes. Spread messages… and especially spread love. We can’t change things, but we can work on ourselves to be good human beings with lots of empathy. Empathy gets us going. 
I feel hard – always have. 

I was sad for four weeks now. An unbelievable summer drama that I never thought I would experience. It felt unnecessary, but maybe it made me realize what matters to me the most. Realtity check. Maybe I have to change some things… I don’t know. It was hard for me sometimes to be on Instagram and share positive messages when I am actually the one who needs a motivational speech or a hug the most. I didn’t mention it in my posts and I pretended to be just like you – a summer loving bird. Just because I didn’t want to make you feel bad – or worry. 
Today, I know I needed to share this. I want to make clear that this is something personal I don’t share a lot here, but I knew that I have to share this… I felt empowered to share my weird way of being. I don’t want to inspire you to be like me. I want to give you light when you find yourself in the same situation. 
Know that you are never alone. There are people who care, even if you feel like everyone gave up on you. Never give up on yourself. 

My mom was right maybe… time will pass. Use this period of time in your life to study yourself, learn about your patterns, read books, start getting active, or find piece in meditation! I shared some great meditation apps this week – check these out. Unfortunately, there is no recipe on how to heal right… fact is that your body does all the work, even if you don’t notice! We are all able to heal. 

If you are interested in learning about HSP or empath people, read along here. Knowing all this made fighting my depression so much easier. It’s light that can finally save us ~ 

Since I will always be an empath, but I am growing up as well (I need to make better decisions here and then), I decided that for this summer (which is left) I will leave Instagram and some other social media for 2 weeks… maybe a bit longer. I know how much it influences me when it comes to my mood and vibes, but I want to enjoy summer and be a happy kid! 
I just dismissed my clouds… now I want to smile big and jump around. It’s hard for me to be off, since this is my job – but my health is a bit more important than this. 

Join me. Feel free to respond to this. 
Feel hugged and loved with this. 
Thanks for listening! 

Happy summer ~